Understanding and Coping with Friendship Breakups
Whenever I start to write or think about friendship I always think about the song “What about your friends” by TLC. It is like the unofficial theme song of friendship in my mind. That has nothing to do with this blog post just a fun fact about me.
So when we say we are friends with someone what does that really mean? Friendship can be defined as a close and enduring relationship between two or more individuals characterized by mutual trust, affection, and support. It is much more than just someone you know. When you call someone a friend there is usually a deeper connection where there are shared interests, experiences, triumphs, and even some losses (that I will always call lessons). Friends offer emotional support, companionship, and a sense of belonging, making friendship an integral and fulfilling part of human social interactions. Unfortunately, just like romantic relationships, friendships can also come to an end.
I see so many blogs about breakups on a romantic level but the biggest breakup we are not talking about is the end of a friendship. Friendship breakups are emotionally challenging, and more often than not leave us feeling confused, hurt, and alone. Most of the time we are more connected to our friends than our lovers. They know more of who we are, have spent more time with us, and have seen us at our worse. To lose that person can be devastating- even if it is the best decision for both people.
So why do friendships end? I know we want to think if the relationship is so deep it wouldn’t end but the truth is people change so the very nature of the friendship has to change. Often times when we are not prepared to navigate those changes there is a rift and the relationship is weakened.
Time and life change us no matter what. We say things like this friendship is forever but really that is just not true. As we evolve our needs and the dynamic the relation simply has to change. Think about your high school best friend even if you still have them in your mid 30’s the relationship has changed as you age and other things take priority over this relationship. It's important to acknowledge that as we grow, our values, interests, and goals may shift from those of our friends. As we go through different life stages, we may find ourselves drifting away from friends who were once central to our lives. Diverse experiences and new responsibilities can create distance between individuals, leading to a gradual weakening of the relationship.
Another thing that weakens or breaks friendships is when there is an issue with expectations. Often when we become friends it is because of mutual interest and there’s no real conversation about expectations. Friendships thrive when there is mutual understanding and shared expectations. However, when one friend's expectations are not met or there is a lack of reciprocation in terms of time, effort, money shared, or whatever there is usually conflict and a breakup. We talk so much about premarital counseling and making sure our romantic relationships stay intact but what about friendships? I remember when Joan and Toni went to counseling on the show Girlfriends- it was so wild to me then but now I am not opposed.
Finally, when a person feels betrayed or like the loyalty of the relationship has been tested or broken the friendship may end. The thing here is betrayal may not always be obvious. The betrayal may look like the mishandling of information. Sharing something that was told between the two of you to others. It could be as simple as uninviting someone to a special occasion. Sure this seems small and as if a conversation will fix it but it is not always that easy. People attach meanings to events and when they are no longer welcome it may feel like they are no longer welcome in your life. Leading to feelings of betrayal, feelings that a simple I am sorry can never take away. It could be failing to keep your word even when you had the best intentions. Those seemingly small things will impact people differently because of their lived experiences.
With all that being said how do we move on? What comes next?
Start by allowing yourself to grieve. Feel all your feelings because they are yours and they are valid simply because you experienced them. Whatever this looks like for you let it all out, tears, journaling, whatever you need, Make sure to surround yourself with things that make you happy and people you love. Like a break up though do not share too much information until you have processed it on your own.
Reflect on the relationship and the dynamics that lead to the ending of the relationship. This introspection can help you gain insights into your own needs and values, enabling personal growth and learning from the experience. It will also give you time to consider the totality of the relationship. Is this one thing the end or was this a mistake? Is the friendship bigger than the rift that has now been introduced? You get to decide and chose what is best for you. This break in the relationship may be what is needed to discuss expectations and boundaries on how to move forward.
Focus on self-care at this time. Do not let others make you feel as if you should not feel just because it was a platonic relationship. Nurture other existing relationships and explore new avenues to meet like-minded individuals who share your interests. Engage in activities, join clubs or communities, and attend events where you can meet new people who share your interests and values. Remember, new friendships can bring fresh perspectives and enrich your life.
Lastly, seek Closure (if needed): Depending on the circumstances, seeking closure through open and honest communication might be beneficial. There is an opportunity for greater understanding and growth in those conversations. They may have a perspective you did not see before, or maybe the ending of the friendship triggered something for them that you did not even know about. Closure does not always have to mean the end. It may mean the end of the relationship as it was but the start of a new relationship where the placing of people is made clear, and everyone is on the same page regarding boundaries and limits. Once there has been a break much like a break in your arm it can be repaired but it will always be different. Obviously, if the breakup was particularly painful or toxic, it may be best to maintain distance and prioritize your emotional healing over any closure.
Friendship breakups are challenging experiences, but they are also opportunities for self-discovery. It is possible that it was you and there is room for growth. It is also possible it was them and there is room for boundaries either way there is an opportunity in an awful situation. As we evolve and change, it is natural for friendships to evolve as well. By understanding the reasons behind friendship breakups and employing strategies for coping and being kind to ourselves, we can navigate this emotional terrain with resilience and emerge stronger. Remember, it's not the end of the world—it's an opportunity for new beginnings.
Effective Communication- Do you Want to be Right or do You Want a Resolution
An expectation without communication is just an assumption. ~LaToya The Therapist
Who are you modeling when you communicate? Your mother? Father? Favorite adult? Perhaps it’s a TV or movie character. Or maybe you decided to model the person you made up in your mind; the person you needed when you were younger.
Most of my clients do not realize how much past trauma shows up in how they communicate. Part of how we communicate is directly connected to how we perceive a situation. How we perceive a situation will then inform how we feel about it and that will determine how we respond. That response, depending on learned or interpreted behavior, can lead to disastrous and unhealthy forms of communication if gone unchecked.
We engage in communication in several aspects of life. In my personal and professional experience we struggle the most in our romantic relationships. How we speak to our partner is a large part of communicating, but so is how we interact, show affection or engage in discourse. The thing most people fail to address is how we communicate when we are in conflict. Giving your partner the silent treatment or withholding affection or sex, is also communication. It’s unhealthy communication, but communication nonetheless.
What I see the most is confusing the need to be right with finding a resolution. In your mind, proving you are right, is the solution! When in reality the solution is more than likely compromise and changed behavior. Your partner does not have to agree in order to find resolution. Your partner simply needs to be open to hear your point of view, offer a response and an apology if warranted. Not all disagreements are able to be resolved in one sitting. Sometimes it is an ongoing issue that takes time to unpack, and discuss at great lengths. Everyone’s processing speed is different and some conversations are so important you do not want them to be rushed. Again, past trauma is likely rearing it’s head if the conversation is super triggering.
Maybe you’re a fixer and your instinct is to immediately discuss the issue at great length, and not finding a resolution is out of the question. Your partner however, grew up in a contentious household and absolutely despises confrontation. How do you create a healthy and equal environment where both parties are able to engage at their comfort level? Perhaps the compromise is the person who has to fix the problem immediately can discuss what immediately looks like. If immediately is still within the hour after everyone has had a chance to calm down, would that work? Then the fixer can fix and the other partner still has time to step away. It will look different in every relationship but it is not impossible.
Engaging in discourse with the mindset that someone has to be wrong, misses the point of the argument. What is closer to the truth is that no one is wrong per say there is just a different perspective and different emotions from the two of you.
What can be really frustrating is when our actions do not line up with our words which often exacerbates the miscommunication. If your attitude, gestures, lack of verbal responses are different than your normal, telling your partner nothing is wrong is insulting. They have eyes, arguably they know you and can sense something is off. You are allowed to not want to discuss it. Let them know you are not ready and say I just need some time. This keeps them from badgering you and invading your space, but also allows them to not start to create a narrative that may be false. Respecting a person’s desire to not discuss an issue while tempers are raised is also a form of effective communication. This by no means is an excuse to avoid conflict, it is just being responsible and taking time to respond maturely and with love.
Ultimately, if a person was bothered by a behavior, is it more important that the person make an effort to course correct, or must they agree that how you are feeling is valid? I raise that issue because our feelings are a primary cause for miscommunication. Feelings are very much real, but they are not facts. Trying to keep those two concepts at the forefront of an argument is difficult, but necessary if your desire is for your communication with your partner to be effective.
How do you communicate with your partner?
Is Couples Therapy Good or Bad
I’ll follow you to the ends of the Earth; as long as it doesn’t lead to therapy. ~folks who won’t read this, but should
Is couples therapy a good idea? As a therapist I will always say yes lol. The politically correct answer is that therapy is a personal choice and every situation is different. The short answer is, yes.
I absolutely understand the hesitance when it comes to the idea of therapy. There are so many preconceived notions, mostly surrounding the stigma of mental health, that prevents people (especially couples), from seeking the help they desperately need. Also therapy is really getting emotionally naked in front of a complete stranger. I get it. It is a lot to manage.
The fact of the matter is you don’t have to be in a romantic relationship to benefit from therapy. We are all engaging in different types of relationships that are not romantic, but may also be strained. So many of us are in toxic work environments, difficult family dynamics and complicated friendships.
We seek advice from anyone who we believe can give us a lifeline; that little bit of advice to help us get through the holidays with our in-laws or dinner with our best friend’s annoying spouse, but when it comes to navigating our own romantic relationships, seeking therapy is a non-starter.
Couples usually find themselves in my office when the relationship is all but over. I cannot tell you the amount of times I have been thinking if they had come sooner we could have saved this. Usually though, one or both parties feel like they are out of options and come to me as a last resort. By the time they reach me, they are already drowning in years of pain, often being sucked in by a lifetime of unchecked trauma. Most couples don’t realize that couples counseling can be part of ensuring that the relationship remains successful. It doesn’t have to be, nor should it be the last stop on the road to divorce. In my opinion, it should be the first stop once a couple has decided to make their union (whatever that looks like) official.
Therapy is a place for self-discovery and along that journey, you will pick up tools that are necessary to better navigate the journey you are on. What happens when your partner requires a different set of tools that you don’t have…yet. Do you search for the tool or do you decide that you are content with what you have and find someone who doesn’t require so many tools? Perhaps you both have the same set and are calling them by different names not realizing you already have everything you need to build and maintain a successful relationship.
As you build the life you want, your requirements and expectations will change. Change is almost always acceptable in any other part of our life other than relationship requirements. We change our employment positions. We may stay with the same company, but we expect upward mobility with a pay raise at the very least. We upgrade our vehicles, homes, and clothes yet somehow, changing relationship dynamics and requirements are seen as an affront and in extreme cases a deal breaker.
Couples therapy is a way to navigate through the inevitable changes that people experience while engaging in relationship. The fact is people will grow. The misconception is that they will grow together. When the reality is without intentionality they often grow apart. Couples therapy can help to identify the places where couples are growing apart and offer tools to course correct. Therapy can really be preventative if we just allow it to be.
If you decide to give couples therapy a try, keep in mind it isn’t a one size fits all. You may need to shop around to find the right fit for both parties.
Remember, you are the expert in your own life. I wish you well on your journey.
4 Ways to Protect Your Mental Health While Dating
Starting a new relationship is exhilarating and nerve-wracking. The thrill of romance, spending time with the person you feel deeply for, is immensely satisfying. On the other hand, the foundation for this relationship is still in its formative stages. As you all are navigating relationship life, you must not forget about yourself in the process.
Prioritizing your mental health during this period is essential. The whirlwind of emotions can become a trap in a budding relationship if you cannot develop healthy ways to manage your thoughts and the relationship. Here are tips to guard your mental well-being while dating,
Manage Your Expectations
Every person you meet is not your life partner. You have to know that going in. The storybook love at first sight thing is RARE! Approach your dating rationally and to a point logically as well. It is easy to daydream and build castles in the air about your new relationship. I have done this too, and this is part of the problem. More often than not, we fall in love with the idea we have fabricated in our minds when that may not be the reality we are living in. Get to know the person first while keeping your options open. Make decisions beyond their perfect smile and the fantasy in your mind.
Have Fun
Life is hard, if being with this person is easy enjoy it. Embrace the feeling of like/love - the butterflies in your stomach and warm fuzzy feelings. Stare, hold hands, and talk about nothing. When you are happy with someone your brain releases Oxytocin, the love hormone.
Avoid Personalizing Rejection
Rejection is a part of dating and a normal part of living. if you are not ready to accept that now may not be the time to date. You will not be perfect for everyone and everyone will not be perfect for you and I promise that is ok. Also, keep in mind I’m not saying rejection will be easy I am saying while it does suck it serves a purpose. It frees you from what does not belong to you so that there is more space for what is aligned with you to enter your life. Avoid personalizing rejection. Or creating a narrative that the rejection says something about you as a person when it means you were just not compatible.
Remain Logical
Oxytocin regulates trust levels, empathy, positive communication, and bonding cues. Thus, your biases toward your love interest increase because of this hormone's influence. Oxytocin lasts for about six months before you can become rational about your interest. Avoid making permanent decisions during this period. You may make a mistake when you rush into things. Make sure you are staying grounded in reality. Take your new partner to meet you, friends. Let them interact with your love interest. They are not in love. Therefore, their perception may be more rational. Furthermore, avoid making decisions out of desperation. You have a lifetime to find love. Do not be in such a hurry that you take the scraps when waiting could get you the whole meal.
A few final things to remember while dating:
Remember to think do I like this person instead of focusing on if they like you.
Actions over words because people can and will say anything.
Do not enter the relationship based on potential. Enter the relationship based on the facts of the present.
Make good choices and protect your peace and mental health at all costs.
What About Your Friends... Importance of Adult Friendships and Your Mental Health
What about friends!!!! If you do not know that song we need to rethink our friendship. LOL, I am only kidding. I did use to love that song though.
I was thinking the other day- there is not enough talk about how your friends/ tribe/ community/ or whatever you decide to call them have such a critical role in your mental health. Friends play a significant role in sustaining mental health, which we need to discuss. It is quality over quantity because a toxic friendship can have the reverse effect on your mental health.
A social network has plenty of benefits, provided there are healthy bonds and genuine intentions. Developing strong, healthy connections requires work and, more importantly, time (which we as adults tend to not have a lot of). Nevertheless, the advantages are well worth the work.
Here are some reasons you should foster healthy ties with people.
A Sense of Belonging
Feeling like you are a part of a group fulfills a crucial emotional need. It is significant for developing resilience in challenging situations and healthy emotional regulation. It gives you a reason to hold on to something or to work through the stress.
Research shows that a sense of belonging can diminish the severity of depressive symptoms and suicide risk. The study also indicates that the perception, not actual inclusion is beneficial. It reduces feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness because you feel like you belong.
Social Support
Support from friends and loved ones is essential in creating, maintaining, and promoting health. Perceived and actual support help with coping, distress, adaptability, and endurance. Friends listen to you and think about it, often we just like to be heard. It is not that we need a solution just a place to vent and be validated in our concerns. A problem shared is already half-solved. They also acknowledge and validate your emotions, helping with introspection instead of internalization.
A friend is a source of encouragement - they will speak the truth with grace (hopefully) and help point you in the right direction. They cheer you on when you make strides and hold you through the fears, skepticism, and fights. Knowing you can rely on them makes the burden a little less heavy.
Accountability
Sometimes we need to be checked! Admit it, you can try just like I do. In those moments when we find ourselves going around the same mountain, we need friends who will call us out. A nice reminder that you still haven’t been to the gym made the appointment, or taken your son to the zoo goes a long way.
Positive friendships steer you toward positive coping mechanisms. A friend will encourage you to talk through your issues instead of bottling them in or avoiding them. They also keep you in check when your thoughts and feelings steer you toward self-destructive behavior. Even when you give in to despair, they are always there to reason out with you and help you challenge your negative thinking pattern.
Friends Boost Your Self-Esteem
A good friend is a cheerleader. Hearing an “ok sis… I see you girl” goes a long way. They strengthen your core, make you flaunt your strengths, and work on your weakness in a safe environment. They are not there to judge, scorn, or degrade. They uplift you and take pride in your association - this does wonder for your confidence.
Friends Make You Happier
Hanging out with a loved one activates a part of the brain known as the reward pathway. The circuit releases feelings of pleasure, happiness, and peace. It also inhibits the stress response, otherwise known as anxiety. Research shows that seeing a loved one is enough to release these feel-good chemicals in your brain. It also boosts the hormones that mediate over rest and sleep.
Friendships Help You Thrive Financially
As the person who has been the “send me pictures because I cannot go friend”- I will admit seeing how my friends lived was a nice size motivator to do better. Financial stability is a significant stressor in today's world. It is among the leading causes of abuse in relationships because it leads to codependence. Trustworthy friendships tend to develop plans and strategies to enhance each other's success. Real friends buy your product or at least share it with others. They will edit your book for free so others will want to read it or sit in the front row as you perform even when it cuts into sleep time. In a circle of friends, even the least wealthy is doing better than a loner. Friends share ideas and opportunities. There is also a foundation of encouragement, kindness, and support when people in the fold try new ventures.
Adult friends become your family. When people move far away it is their friends that celebrate the wins with them. Why do you think Friendsgiving is such a thing? So again I ask you “what about your friends!!!”