Is Couples Therapy Good or Bad

I’ll follow you to the ends of the Earth; as long as it doesn’t lead to therapy. ~folks who won’t read this, but should

Is couples therapy a good idea? As a therapist I will always say yes lol.  The politically correct answer is that therapy is a personal choice and every situation is different. The short answer is, yes. 

I absolutely understand the hesitance when it comes to the idea of therapy. There are so many preconceived notions, mostly surrounding the stigma of mental health, that prevents people (especially couples), from seeking the help they desperately need. Also therapy is really getting emotionally naked in front of a complete stranger. I get it. It is a lot to manage.

The fact of the matter is you don’t have to be in a romantic relationship to benefit from therapy. We are all engaging in different types of relationships that are not romantic, but may also be strained.  So many of us are in toxic work environments, difficult family dynamics and complicated friendships. 

We seek advice from anyone who we believe can give us a lifeline; that little bit of advice to help us get through the holidays with our in-laws or dinner with our best friend’s annoying spouse, but when it comes to navigating our own romantic relationships, seeking therapy is a non-starter.

Couples usually find themselves in my office when the relationship is all but over. I cannot tell you the amount of times I have been thinking if they had come sooner we could have saved this. Usually though, one or both parties feel like they are out of options and come to me as a last resort. By the time they reach me, they are already drowning in years of pain, often being sucked in by a lifetime of unchecked trauma. Most couples don’t realize that couples counseling can be part of ensuring that the relationship remains successful. It doesn’t have to be, nor should it be the last stop on the road to divorce. In my opinion, it should be the first stop once a couple has decided to make their union (whatever that looks like) official.   

Therapy is a place for self-discovery and along that journey, you will pick up tools that are necessary to better navigate the journey you are on. What happens when your partner  requires a different set of tools that you don’t have…yet. Do you search for the tool or do you decide that you are content with what you have and find someone who doesn’t require so many tools? Perhaps you both have the same set and are calling them by different names not realizing you already have everything you need to build and maintain a successful relationship.

As you build the life you want, your requirements and expectations will change. Change is almost always acceptable in any other part of our life other than relationship requirements. We change our employment positions. We may stay with the same company, but we expect upward mobility with a pay raise at the very least. We upgrade our vehicles, homes, and clothes yet somehow, changing relationship dynamics and requirements are seen as an affront and in extreme cases a deal breaker.

Couples therapy is a way to navigate through the inevitable changes that people experience while engaging in relationship. The fact is people will grow. The misconception is that they will grow together. When the reality is without intentionality they often grow apart. Couples therapy can help to identify the places where couples are growing apart and offer tools to course correct. Therapy can really be preventative if we just allow it to be.

If you decide to give couples therapy a try, keep in mind it isn’t a one size fits all. You may need to shop around to find the right fit for both parties. 

Remember, you are the expert in your own life. I wish you well on your journey.

7 Things To Do when the Holidays Hurt

Growing up I was never more aware that I was different until the holiday season came around. Think about when you are young and in school the only thing you want is to fit in. I never did especially during this time. While for most people this is the most wonderful time of the year for a whole lot of other people it is not. It is a reminder of what they do not have.

They could be missing, money, experiences, time, and more importantly people. Grief around the holidays soars. Even f it has been well managed the holidays are very triggering for people. Add in mental health issues, divorce, family dysfunction it may actually be the worst time of the year for some people. Some people are missing their routines. Being able to flow in the family the have created with the norms they have grown accustomed to. There is also ton of pressure that comes with the holidays that is not always talked about.

There is pressure to eat the food no matter your food preferences or if you are dieting. There is pressure to have a date, a baby, some new career announcement or whatever the next perceived step in this season of life is for you. Then  you are expected to be “on.” To smile even if you are not happy. To just get through because God forbid you ruin the holiday by speaking your truth, or saying you are not feeling cheerful. I am in no way saying show up with turkey and a grudge but it can be hard to consistently feel silenced during this time.

If you are one of the people who are not quite as happy this time of year for whatever reason here are some things you can do when the holidays hurt.

Practice Self-Care. Give yourself what you need. The best thing to do when you're not feeling ok is to be deliberate about taking care of yourself. Instead of bathing in a bath of sorrow and despair, uplift yourself with a soothing candle-lit, naturally fragranced warm bath and a nice drink. Turn on your favorite songs, read new books, find new recipes if you enjoy cooking and baking, learn new hobbies, and simply be present with yourself. Caring for yourself in the holiday season when you're not feeling ok is very critical. Within this time, you will garner strength and build a strong relationship with the self, which is essential for both seasons of feeling ok and not feeling ok.

Have an exit plan. Check in with yourself and when it is time to go, leave. Have a pre made excuse- dinner with other people, plans for holiday parties at work, a date, whatever you need. Although I prefer a more direct approach of it is just time for me to leave I understand not everyone is as comfortable saying that.

Take a support person. Sometimes even with family you grew up with as an adult you can feel like a stranger in the room. When at all possible take someone with you. If not have a friend on standby that you can text. It can be difficult because they may be with family as well bit knowing you have someone who is willing to give you a moment is helpful.

Make Alone Time Priority. When we are not feeling ok, we tend to push it under the rug and never evaluate the reason especially during the holiday. It is ok to go in a room alone or even show up late so that you can take the necessary time to for yourself. Feel your feelings and then allow them to pass. The feelings will not last forever and forcing yourself to feel a different way only makes them linger longer.

Practice gratitude. I know to can be easy to focus on what is wrong and what is missing but there things t be grateful for all around you. Look for them. Outline all the positive things in your life instead of only dwelling on the negative. Start writing a list of all the items in your life that you appreciate and love. Read this list during the moments you don't feel ok.

Dress up! Our appearance is often directly related to our internal emotional state. Don’t just sit and allow the emotions to flood you. I can’t remember who but someone said When you feel your worst look your best. I LIVE by this! It always acts as a mood booster to look good even f my insides do not match quite yet.

Gift yourself. Sometimes waiting for a gift might make you feel worse, especially if one doesn't come and if it's not quite as valuable as the one you have given. It's essential that the most thoughtful gifts you will receive come specially wrapped from you, this will ensure that you are always satisfied and happy with what you received.

It's quite acceptable not to feel ok during the festive holiday season. However, by being gentle with yourself, not dismissing your feelings, and spending time with people you can trust, you will be able to get through and maybe even have some fun.

Tasha finally got it right: Seek help when you need it!

I was watching Power today (like the rest of the world) and was so touched by Tasha. While I don’t always agree with her she was my favorite this episode. I love how she acknowledged needing help. So many times, we (especially black women) are supposed to just shoulder shit and keep moving forward. To see Tasha be so open about needing help was EVERYTHING!!! She stated multiple times she was not ok and needed to talk. I was like yes way to be self-aware. What made her my favorite this episode is that not only did she recognize the need, but she did something about it without having to be referred or begged to seek help. She had a game plan to help with her healing and I love her for it. We must be proactive in all aspects of our lives. So, bravo Tasha.

What was also so realistic and heartbreaking to me was the person who should have been her number one cheerleader in getting help because they understood what she was dealing with was shutting her down at every turn. I have been there on multiple occasions. Once when I was 19 with a newborn and had no idea what postpartum was and kept being told I had to get over it because I had done this to myself. Another time was saying I wanted to be a therapist and being told by family my career choice was a joke. But let me get back to Power... James originally did not want to even consider the grief group. He said he wasn’t feeling it. I found myself feeling like I was back at work with my forensic clients asking them what’s not to feel? A safe place to say you are hurt (which clearly, he needed). Unfortunately, the way James was acting is nothing new. Saying “I’m not feeling that” or some other derivative is too common.

What also had me side eyeing James was the fact that he didn’t trust her to grieve and describe her feelings because they are different from the people in the group. Sure, the other people in the group probably were not drug dealing murders, who had an affair with the DA and missed what was happening to their son which lead to all this anyway, but a grieving parent is a grieving parent. After all the secrets (setting up Canaan, providing an alibi for killing Lobos, and whatever else) and shenanigans she has dealt with and handled like the proverbial “ride or die chick” why question her now? Why not give her what she needed? Like she said, she can discuss her feelings without discussing the other stuff.

While I baby clap him for being willing to go he was there again blocking Tasha from getting what she truly needed. Simply showing up to the group is not enough for some people. They need to be able to interact and share their feelings (the point of the group anyway). She felt led to share and he shut her down so smoothly. As he has done in their marriage multiple times (but that’s not even why I’m here). Him stopping her from sharing struck me on several layers and I will try to unpack a few…

On the surface you have a husband shutting down a wife who has said she needs help. When people reach out for help or admit to feeling vulnerable, not right, sad, or whatever listen to them. Shutting them down only ensures the next time they will not be sharing their feelings with you. Telling people to get over it, toughen up, or put their big girl panties on is not always the answer. In fact, if a person is actually feeling something I can almost guarantee it makes their stomach turn to hear their loved one say some insensitive shit like that, and they will think twice before opening up again. Why are we so quick to shut down a person who is expressing vulnerability?

On another layer, we have someone telling another person not to do the very thing they think will help them. Tasha felt lead to the group and simply on the strength that she thought it would help her it would have in some way. We have got to stop shutting people down from getting help their way. Which lead me to religion. The minute someone wants to cleanse their energy someone calls it witchcraft. The negative connotation associated with magic, ancient healing rituals, and being a witch is also not why I am here but needs to be mentioned. The second someone says Allah instead of God they become a terrorist. Everything doesn’t work for everyone. The reason some medicines work for some people and are like skittles to another person, the way some children need timeouts and others need a spanking (yes I said it) or removal of toys, its simple… WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT. It is perfectly ok to believe, practice, and grieve differently. We must allow people to choose their own path and then respect when their choice does not match our own.

While Tasha has a few more episodes left to deal with her demons, and her choices, you reading this do not have to wait. I wish I could say do this and the pain will go away, but it is not that simple. You must put the work in and be willing to expose yourself. Being self-aware is not for the faint of heart. When you really trying to change and really trying to heal, it has been my experience personally and professionally that it will hurt worse first. It’s like when you really cleaning up and organizing so you pull stuff out of hiding and it looks a hot mess before it looks clean. Be brave like Tasha and admit you need help, but also seek help. It’s not going to be easy the question is are you willing to stick it through?

3 Reasons why Comparing makes you Lose!

The fastest way to make yourself miserable is to look at what other's are doing. Their life will always look better than yours if you are looking at the phone and they are living their life. We live in a world where people’s lives are literally at our fingertips. Don’t think so? Scroll through anyone’s Facebook Feed. You will know when they met their boo, how and when he proposed when they got married, pregnant, and every fight in between. Of course, there is always an exception I have a friend who waited a year before she “debuted” her daughter on Facebook.

With so much exposure we have a front row seat to anyone's life we want.  We see the bags, trips, cars, and if we are real enough to admit it we want it for ourselves. There is nothing wrong with wanting more the issue starts when you compare and covet what others have. If we are not careful we can start to want their relationship too. We see what their partner is doing for them, what they bought, how they said they were beautiful even though they gained weight then silently and slowly we begin to think their version of the love is the only version.

We get mad at what we have at home believing our love life is supposed to be like what we see on the gram. The sad thing is we never consider any differences. We don't stop to look at how long they have been together, is he taking her on vacation because he got caught with his side chick, the difference in bank accounts, or anything else.

We stop remembering all the things that make our relationship special because we are too busy looking at others. In the past, I shared with a friend that I did not want a man I had to cook Thanksgiving meals every single day so being true to me I got a man who did not require that. On the flip side, one of my friends cooks daily and from scratch. If I were to base my relationship on hers I would be failing as a wife, and my husband would be miserable. Every relationship is different and we have to learn to appreciate what makes our relationship special. When you constantly compare your relationship to others you lose in major ways.

You get stuck so you don’t produce. You are so busy worrying what others are doing and how they are posting on Instagram you are unable to focus on your own relationship. You cannot be a good wife if you are trying to force your man to fit a mold that some other woman made. It doesn’t matter if someone else’s husband has them all over there social media, your husband may not be into that. So by demanding he subscribes to someone else’s standards you will mess up what is working for you and cause unnecessary arguments. If he has never paraded you on his social media why are you asking him to start now? The woman who is on her husband’s social media may be missing something in her relationship that your husband does on a regular.

You are coveting an ending when you have no idea what it took to get there and if you could even handle it. Sure it is all fun and games watching them take trips but what if he choked her right before they took the picture? Everyone is happy on pictures because we smile for the camera not frown for the camera.  What if the couple you are calling your relationship goals have dealt with an affair in their marriage? Do you want that too? So much could be going on behind the scenes that there is really nothing for you to be jealous of. You may want what they have now but could you have survived what they went through to get there? If you are not willing to struggle don’t envy the success.

Finally, you never know the time frame for success. There are no overnight successes. You have to put in the WERK!!!! Think about anyone who you want to be like, pick a blogger (Regina from Byregina has had how many business and blogs), singer (K. Michelle has had how many record deals, and she suffered abuse), actress (Halle Berry is gorgeous and she has had bad luck in love), your friend who got married before you (how many bad relationships did she have). Nothing happens overnight. You can’t start a committed relationship on Monday and expect it to look like your friend’s relationship when she has been married 3 years. Comparing your start to someone else’s middle will have you upset every time.

The more accesses we have to others the more important it becomes to be happy with what you have. This in no way means be complacent we should all be striving for more, however comparing and being jealous is not the way. Always remember social media is a highlight reel. It is supposed to the show the person in the best light. No one is posting their messy house or their arguments. Just because you do not see it doesn’t mean it is not there. Remember to be grateful for what you have and water your own grass to make it better.

Change your perception and change your life... PLUS 36 things to do during football season

No matter how hard I tried to avoid this, it seems I was destined to enjoy football. My brother who is eight years older than me FORCED me to watch the movie The Program (starring Omar Epps, and Halle Berry EVERY SINGLE DAY for a year). Then when he was in high school, and college I was forced to attend his games weekly, under the guise of support, although I did enjoy the cheerleaders.

Then I found myself knocked up at age 19 and alone. It was sad, but that is not the point. The point is I spent a large amount of time with my father. I will give you a minute to google “daddy’s girl” and find my picture. I kid, no really. Anyway spending all this time with my father meant watching football.  He is a football FANATIC!!! He watches the draft like I watch How to Get Away with Murder. I mean he knows stats, where people went to college, and in some cases he knows a little about their upbringing. So instead of being even more miserable watching a sport I did not necessarily like or understand, I started asking questions. I begin to learn what the hand signals meant, and why they had so many chances to make a touch down. I started learning player’s name and my love of football and the Steeler Nation began.

Fast forward to the present and depending on who is playing I am happier than my husband to hear “I been waiting all day for Sunday night.” I know everyone will not share my sentiment. Some women refuse to even give the game a try. I don’t understand that because the eye candy is great, oh and part of being in a relationship is taking interest in his interest but I digress. Here we are half way almost done with preseason with 17 more weeks of regular season, playoffs, and then Super Bowl and women are saying good bye to their husbands and they are sad about it.

They need to be jumping for joy. How could they not realize all the free time they have in store during this football season. A lot of life’s issues are all about mindset. We trick ourselves into thinking we are not good enough so we never go after our dreams. We are mad when we don’t get a promotion, but the person who got the promotion is miserable and wants to quit. We struggle with seeing the blessings that surround us.

We look at rejection as a bad thing, when it is really protection. When you are stuck in traffic you are not in the fatal accident ahead. When the guy breaks your heart, you are that much closer to your prince charming. When the car lot tells you no, then the car is recalled, or you lose your job and would not have been able to pay for it anyway. The rejection was really protection. We have to start training our minds to see the good even when the situation seems extra bleak. There is a lesson in everything IF you have the right mindset.

So stop dreading football season and embrace it. I personally recommend attempting to like the game because it really is fun. Still, if hubby is like most men and cannot function when the game is on, you are going to have to occupy your time. In case you need some help with what to do with your time I have created a bucket list for you. A list of 36 things for you to do during football season.

So do you watch the game, or are you totally against it?