The Power of Forgiveness

So often people come to me and say “I need to heal” and they think I will tell them to deep breathe and journal (and sometimes I do) but more often than not they need to forgive. Not necessarily in the way you are thinking either. I am never saying place yourself back in. a harmful situation. I am saying though forgive yourself for even being in that place to be hurt. Often as adults, we place ourselves in positions to be mistreated. We love freely, ignore the warning signs, and believe people have the best intentions. We start to think we are the exception to the rule when the truth is it hasn’t been our turn. Obviously, I am not talking about abuse or threats of violence.

All this to say for most the journey to healing is really in the forgiveness, and usually in forgiving one’s self. Forgiveness is a force that has the power to transform our lives in profound ways. It is a gift we give ourselves, a choice we make to let go of past hurts and embrace healing, liberation, and personal growth. While forgiveness may not come easily, its benefits are immeasurable. Let’s explore the remarkable power of forgiveness and how it can positively impact our well-being.

Healing Emotional Wounds

When we hold onto anger, resentment, and grudges, we carry a heavy burden that weighs us down. The act of forgiveness allows us to release these negative emotions and create space for healing. By acknowledging our pain and choosing to let go, we open ourselves to emotional freedom and the opportunity to move forward.

Breaking the Cycle

Unresolved conflicts and grievances often perpetuate a cycle of hurt and negativity. Think about it this way, if you are living life from a place of hurt how do you show up? What do you see around you? How can you enjoy the beauty if your mind is full of anger? By forgiving, we interrupt this cycle and pave the way for healthier relationships and interactions. It takes courage to break free from the chains of bitterness and choose compassion instead. Forgiveness enables us to set a new course, one rooted in empathy, understanding, and harmony.

Finding Inner Peace

Holding onto grudges and resentment can be mentally and emotionally exhausting. It keeps us tethered to the past, preventing us from fully embracing the present. When we forgive, we release the negative energy that binds us. It is through forgiveness that we reclaim our power and reclaim our peace of mind.

Promoting Physical Well-being

Research suggests that forgiveness has positive effects on our physical health. Holding onto anger and resentment can contribute to stress, which can have detrimental effects on our bodies. By forgiving, we reduce stress levels, lower blood pressure, and boost our immune system. Forgiveness is a holistic practice that benefits both mind and body.

The bottom line is this, forgiveness is a transformative practice that liberates us from the chains of the past and allows us to embrace a brighter future. Remember forgiveness is not a sign of weakness but a testament to our resilience and capacity for compassion. By embracing forgiveness, we unlock the immense power it holds, bringing light, healing, and freedom into our lives.

So, take a deep breath, let go, and embark on the journey of forgiveness. Your heart and soul will thank you.

Note: Forgiveness can be a complex and deeply personal process. If you are struggling with forgiveness or dealing with severe emotional wounds, seeking support from a therapist or counselor can be beneficial in your journey toward healing.

Embracing Uncomfortable Conversations: A Guide to Overcoming Conflict Avoidance

We will not always agree all of the time which can lead to conflict. Before we get too far ahead of ourselves let’s define conflict. According to Google conflict “is a serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one.” I would also add that conflict is not always combative and does not have to be seen as such a negative. Conflict is a natural part of life. It arises when people have different perspectives, opinions, and desires. Avoiding conflict may seem like an easy way out, but it can lead to larger problems in the long run. If conflicts are not addressed, they can fester and eventually explode, causing significant harm to relationships and organizations.

After spending years avoiding conflict it may seem hard to stop now. I want you to think about how much better your relationships, and partnerships could be if you had the hard conversation. I know it seems easier to let it ride but letting it ride only dishonors you. Besides people will not change if they do not recognize there is an issue. So how do we stop avoiding conflict?

Acknowledge the issue

Ignoring the issue will only make it worse. Say or write whatever it is that upset you. You cannot address what you will not acknowledge. For your own sake and before you have the conversation with the other party recognize your feelings and emotions, and try to understand the other person's perspective.

Communicate effectively

Effective communication is crucial in resolving conflicts. Speak clearly and respectfully, and listen to the other person's point of view. Avoid interrupting or dismissing their opinion. Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements, to help prevent the conversation from becoming confrontational. For example, instead of saying, "You're wrong," say "I disagree, and here's why."

Find common ground

Identify areas of agreement and build on those. This can help to establish a foundation of trust and understanding. Focus on the shared goals or objectives, and work together to find a mutually beneficial solution.

Seek mediation

If the conflict seems too difficult to resolve on your own, seek the help of a mediator. Mediation is a process where a neutral third party helps facilitate the conversation and find a solution that both parties can agree on. This can be particularly useful in situations where emotions are running high, and communication has broken down.

Learn to compromise

Compromise is an essential part of conflict resolution. It involves finding a solution that meets the needs of both parties to some extent. It may require some give and take, but the result is a win-win situation for everyone involved.

Practice conflict resolution skills

Conflict resolution skills can be learned and practiced. Attend workshops or seminars on conflict resolution, read books on the subject, or take an online course. The more you practice, the more comfortable you will be with handling conflicts.

I understand how just ignoring the issue feels like the easier option but over time this erodes trust and builds resentment which ultimately rots away at the relationship as a whole. I always tell my clients not to trade short-term comfort for long-term discomfort. You will wake up one day so angry and not even understand why. That anger is not healthy for you or the person you are in a relationship with but will be the result of avoiding conflict.

Anxiety Unraveled: Tools for Taming the Mind

In the fast-paced world we live in, anxiety has become an all too familiar companion for many, myself included if I am being honest. The constant demands of life, coupled with uncertainties, can take a toll on our mental well-being. However, anxiety can be managed with the right tools. In this blog post, we will explore effective strategies for unraveling anxiety and reclaiming control over the mind.

Understanding Anxiety:

Before delving into the tools for managing anxiety, it's crucial to understand what anxiety is and how it manifests. Anxiety is a natural stress response, but when it becomes chronic and crippling, it can interfere with daily life. Common symptoms include excessive worry, restlessness, fatigue, and difficulty concentrating.

Now let me tell you how it shows up in real life…

Anxiety typically shows up in three main areas of your life that includes your thoughts, your body, and your behaviors. Anxiety in your thoughts looks like doubt, over-thinking, second-guessing, questioning, thinking about all the what-ifs, and self-doubt. Anxiety in behaviors includes double checking, planning conversations, and replies, seeking outside validation for every life decision, and re-doing things. Finally, your physical body is impacted by anxiety because your internal resources are being used. Your adrenaline is pumping as your body is in fight or flight mode and there is no release (because with true anxiety there is usually no real threat). This leaves you feeling fatigued, having headaches, appetite disturbance, and the overall feeling of restlessness. Recognizing these signs is the first step toward addressing anxiety.

Tools for Taming the Mind:

1. Mindfulness Meditation: This practice involves bringing attention to the present moment without judgment. By focusing on the breath or a specific point of concentration, individuals can train their minds to stay grounded. Regular mindfulness meditation has been shown to reduce anxiety levels and promote a sense of calm.

2. Deep Breathing Exercises: Deep breathing exercises, also known as diaphragmatic breathing, can help regulate the autonomic nervous system and induce relaxation. Practice deep, slow breaths, inhaling through the nose and exhaling through the mouth. This simple yet effective technique can be done anywhere, providing instant relief during moments of heightened anxiety.

3. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT is a therapeutic approach that focuses on changing negative thought patterns and behaviors. By identifying and challenging irrational thoughts, individuals can reframe their perspectives and reduce anxiety. Learning to recognize and modify thought patterns is a valuable skill that empowers individuals to take control of their mental well-being.

4. Gratitude Journaling: Cultivating a mindset of gratitude can be a potent antidote to anxiety. Keeping a gratitude journal allows individuals to reflect on positive aspects of their lives, shifting the focus away from stressors. Regularly writing down things one is thankful for promotes a positive outlook and helps create a buffer against anxiety.

5. Regular Exercise: Physical activity has numerous benefits for mental health, including anxiety reduction. Exercise releases endorphins, the body's natural mood lifters, and provides an outlet for built-up tension. Whether it's a brisk walk, a workout at the gym, or yoga, incorporating regular exercise into one's routine can significantly contribute to taming anxiety.

6. Lifestyle Modifications: Certain lifestyle factors can exacerbate anxiety. Adequate sleep, a balanced diet, and limiting caffeine and alcohol intake are crucial for maintaining mental well-being. Ensuring a healthy lifestyle sets a foundation for managing anxiety effectively.

7. Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR): PMR is a relaxation technique that involves tensing and then relaxing different muscle groups. This practice helps release physical tension, promoting a sense of calmness. By systematically working through the body, individuals can become more attuned to physical sensations and learn to release tension at will.

8. Connect with Nature: Spending time in nature has a therapeutic effect on the mind. Whether walking in the park, hiking in the mountains, or simply sitting in a garden, connecting with nature can reduce stress and anxiety. The natural world's sights, sounds, and smells have a grounding and calming influence.

Anxiety may be a prevalent aspect of modern life, but it doesn't have to be a constant companion. By incorporating these tools into daily life, individuals can begin the journey of unraveling anxiety and reclaiming control over their minds. From mindfulness meditation to lifestyle modifications, each tool offers a unique approach to managing anxiety. Remember, the key is consistency. Building these tools into daily routines can lead to lasting changes in how the mind responds to stressors. Seek professional guidance if needed, and embark on the path to a calmer, more resilient mind.

Understanding and Coping with Friendship Breakups

Whenever I start to write or think about friendship I always think about the song “What about your friends” by TLC. It is like the unofficial theme song of friendship in my mind. That has nothing to do with this blog post just a fun fact about me.

So when we say we are friends with someone what does that really mean? Friendship can be defined as a close and enduring relationship between two or more individuals characterized by mutual trust, affection, and support. It is much more than just someone you know. When you call someone a friend there is usually a deeper connection where there are shared interests, experiences, triumphs, and even some losses (that I will always call lessons). Friends offer emotional support, companionship, and a sense of belonging, making friendship an integral and fulfilling part of human social interactions. Unfortunately, just like romantic relationships, friendships can also come to an end.

I see so many blogs about breakups on a romantic level but the biggest breakup we are not talking about is the end of a friendship. Friendship breakups are emotionally challenging, and more often than not leave us feeling confused, hurt, and alone. Most of the time we are more connected to our friends than our lovers. They know more of who we are, have spent more time with us, and have seen us at our worse. To lose that person can be devastating- even if it is the best decision for both people.

So why do friendships end? I know we want to think if the relationship is so deep it wouldn’t end but the truth is people change so the very nature of the friendship has to change. Often times when we are not prepared to navigate those changes there is a rift and the relationship is weakened.

Time and life change us no matter what. We say things like this friendship is forever but really that is just not true. As we evolve our needs and the dynamic the relation simply has to change. Think about your high school best friend even if you still have them in your mid 30’s the relationship has changed as you age and other things take priority over this relationship. It's important to acknowledge that as we grow, our values, interests, and goals may shift from those of our friends. As we go through different life stages, we may find ourselves drifting away from friends who were once central to our lives. Diverse experiences and new responsibilities can create distance between individuals, leading to a gradual weakening of the relationship.

Another thing that weakens or breaks friendships is when there is an issue with expectations. Often when we become friends it is because of mutual interest and there’s no real conversation about expectations. Friendships thrive when there is mutual understanding and shared expectations. However, when one friend's expectations are not met or there is a lack of reciprocation in terms of time, effort, money shared, or whatever there is usually conflict and a breakup. We talk so much about premarital counseling and making sure our romantic relationships stay intact but what about friendships? I remember when Joan and Toni went to counseling on the show Girlfriends- it was so wild to me then but now I am not opposed.

Finally, when a person feels betrayed or like the loyalty of the relationship has been tested or broken the friendship may end. The thing here is betrayal may not always be obvious. The betrayal may look like the mishandling of information. Sharing something that was told between the two of you to others. It could be as simple as uninviting someone to a special occasion. Sure this seems small and as if a conversation will fix it but it is not always that easy. People attach meanings to events and when they are no longer welcome it may feel like they are no longer welcome in your life. Leading to feelings of betrayal, feelings that a simple I am sorry can never take away. It could be failing to keep your word even when you had the best intentions. Those seemingly small things will impact people differently because of their lived experiences.

With all that being said how do we move on? What comes next?

Start by allowing yourself to grieve. Feel all your feelings because they are yours and they are valid simply because you experienced them. Whatever this looks like for you let it all out, tears, journaling, whatever you need, Make sure to surround yourself with things that make you happy and people you love. Like a break up though do not share too much information until you have processed it on your own.

Reflect on the relationship and the dynamics that lead to the ending of the relationship. This introspection can help you gain insights into your own needs and values, enabling personal growth and learning from the experience. It will also give you time to consider the totality of the relationship. Is this one thing the end or was this a mistake? Is the friendship bigger than the rift that has now been introduced? You get to decide and chose what is best for you. This break in the relationship may be what is needed to discuss expectations and boundaries on how to move forward.

Focus on self-care at this time. Do not let others make you feel as if you should not feel just because it was a platonic relationship. Nurture other existing relationships and explore new avenues to meet like-minded individuals who share your interests. Engage in activities, join clubs or communities, and attend events where you can meet new people who share your interests and values. Remember, new friendships can bring fresh perspectives and enrich your life.

Lastly, seek Closure (if needed): Depending on the circumstances, seeking closure through open and honest communication might be beneficial. There is an opportunity for greater understanding and growth in those conversations. They may have a perspective you did not see before, or maybe the ending of the friendship triggered something for them that you did not even know about. Closure does not always have to mean the end. It may mean the end of the relationship as it was but the start of a new relationship where the placing of people is made clear, and everyone is on the same page regarding boundaries and limits. Once there has been a break much like a break in your arm it can be repaired but it will always be different. Obviously, if the breakup was particularly painful or toxic, it may be best to maintain distance and prioritize your emotional healing over any closure.

Friendship breakups are challenging experiences, but they are also opportunities for self-discovery. It is possible that it was you and there is room for growth. It is also possible it was them and there is room for boundaries either way there is an opportunity in an awful situation. As we evolve and change, it is natural for friendships to evolve as well. By understanding the reasons behind friendship breakups and employing strategies for coping and being kind to ourselves, we can navigate this emotional terrain with resilience and emerge stronger. Remember, it's not the end of the world—it's an opportunity for new beginnings.

Effective Communication- Do you Want to be Right or do You Want a Resolution

An expectation without communication is just an assumption. ~LaToya The Therapist

Who are you modeling when you communicate? Your mother? Father? Favorite adult? Perhaps it’s a TV or movie character. Or maybe you decided to model the person you made up in your mind; the person you needed when you were younger.

Most of my clients do not realize how much past trauma shows up in how they communicate. Part of how we communicate is directly connected to how we perceive a situation. How we perceive a situation will then inform how we feel about it and that will determine how we respond. That response, depending on learned or interpreted behavior, can lead to disastrous and unhealthy forms of communication if gone unchecked. 

We engage in communication in several aspects of life. In my personal and professional experience we struggle the most in our romantic relationships.  How we speak to our partner is a large part of communicating, but so is how we interact, show affection or engage in discourse. The thing most people fail to address is how we communicate when we are in conflict. Giving your partner the silent treatment or withholding affection or sex, is also communication. It’s unhealthy communication, but communication nonetheless.

What I see the most is confusing the need to be right with finding a resolution. In your mind, proving you are right, is the solution! When in reality the solution is more than likely compromise and changed behavior. Your partner does not have to agree in order to find resolution. Your partner simply needs to be open to hear your point of view, offer a response and an apology if warranted.  Not all disagreements are able to be resolved in one sitting. Sometimes it is an ongoing issue that takes time to unpack, and discuss at great lengths. Everyone’s processing speed is different and some conversations are so important you do not want them to be rushed. Again, past trauma is likely rearing it’s head if the conversation is super triggering.

Maybe you’re a fixer and your instinct is to immediately discuss the issue at great length, and not finding a resolution is out of the question. Your partner however, grew up in a contentious household and absolutely despises confrontation. How do you create a healthy and equal environment where both parties are able to engage at their comfort level? Perhaps the compromise is the person who has to fix the problem immediately can discuss what immediately looks like. If immediately is still within the hour after everyone has had a chance to calm down, would that work? Then the fixer can fix and the other partner still has time to step away. It will look different in every relationship but it is not impossible.

Engaging in discourse with the mindset that someone has to be wrong, misses the point of the argument. What is closer to the truth is that no one is wrong per say there is just a different perspective and different emotions from the two of you. 

What can be really frustrating is when our actions do not line up with our words which often exacerbates the miscommunication. If your attitude, gestures, lack of verbal responses are different than your normal, telling your partner nothing is wrong is insulting. They have eyes, arguably they know you and can sense something is off. You are allowed to not want to discuss it. Let them know you are not ready and say I just need some time. This keeps them from badgering you and invading your space, but also allows them to not start to create a narrative that may be false. Respecting a person’s desire to not discuss an issue while tempers are raised is also a form of effective communication. This by no means is an excuse to avoid conflict, it is just being responsible and taking time to respond maturely and with love. 

Ultimately, if a person was bothered by a behavior, is it more important that the person make an effort to course correct, or must they agree that how you are feeling is valid? I raise that issue because our feelings are a primary cause for miscommunication. Feelings are very much real, but they are not facts. Trying to keep those two concepts at the forefront of an argument is difficult, but necessary if your desire is for your communication with your partner to be effective.

How do you communicate with your partner?