3 Lessons we can learn from Keisha

By now we have all heard about Keisha Pulliam and Ed Hartwell. If not, he has filed for a divorce and is asking for a paternity test. She says she has never cheated, but he has. He says she was more interested in having a baby than anything else. No matter what the truth is the situation is a very sad. I personally feel bad for her. Being pregnant is not easy, but to be pregnant, asked for a paternity test, and going through a divorce must be extremely stressful to say the least.

As a woman I am tired of other women dragging her. She messed up. She got married “too soon”. But what is too soon? My parents met and were married within six months, and they just celebrated 35 years together. So I am also not here for the time argument. It is so easy to look at her life, call her desperate, talk about how she should have known better, and what she could have done differently. When none of us are in her shoes. We have no idea what that man told her and we are not privy to her thought processes. In short we were not in the relationship so we should not be so quick to judge the relationship.

Lest we forget that we all have made some wrong choices when it comes to relationships and men. She just happens to be a celebrity. Please stop acting like you yourself or your close girlfriend has not been in this situation or something similar.  We have made impulsive decisions, and been in relationships that no one approved of.

It is not our place to look at her and judge when it could have been any of us. Hell it has been some of us. Everyone will say what Keisha did wrong, and how she messed up. I want to focus on what she did right. I know you gave me major side eye but keep reading.

She followed her heart. For whatever reason she decided to say yes. When she said yes she did that for her. No matter what anyone else thought and that is very freeing. Too many times we don’t do things because we lack support, or because we fear what someone will say. She stood in her truth at the time and went for what felt right to her. No matter how it ended her courage has to be applauded.

She decided to speak about it ONCE! In her interview that I am sure as gone viral she said she will only be speaking about it once and she is moving on. It is so hard to get over things when we have to keep reliving it. Something bad happened, and you have to keep repeating the story, or it keeps playing over in your head is like re opening the wound. Remember when your mom would tell you to keep your band aide on so the cut would heal? Same concept. She has decided to not to keep reliving and repeating the story because she is moving forward. Too many times we want to wallow in the pain when that is so counterproductive.

She seems to be keeping the focus on her baby. In the clip I watched she kept referring to her baby and how her baby deserves better. At this time, her marriage is over. Focusing on the unborn child is the best thing to do. She has to get herself together and prepare to be a mother. If what Ed said is true then she has what she really wants any way right? While her situation is not ideal she is in a much better situation than I was when I was a single mom.  Babies are miracles no matter how they were conceived.

I know it is so easy to pass judgement but remember she is human too. What are your thoughts on this situation?

3 Reasons why You are Still Single

I have been married almost three years now, and contrary to popular belief I did not marry the first man to ask me. I also did not marry the man with the biggest engagement ring. Now was I intentional in my dating? Yes. Was I honest with potential mates about what I wanted and where I was in my life? Absolutely. Without honesty we end up wasting a lot of time.

There was no need in me dating a guy who did not like children because I have a daughter. There was no reason for me to date the divorced guy who said he never wanted to get married again because I wanted to get married. I could go on and on about who I didn’t waste my time with but you get it.            

The point is with everything in life you need to be intentional, and go after what you want. The assumption is you know what you want. You have to know what you want so you recognize it when it arrives. I know women have that proverbial list, he must be this, that, and the other but please do not get too caught up in the list. It is great to have standards but you do not want to be too limiting. How sad will you be if you miss your man because he was 6 foot even and not 6’1? Besides most women I know who are happily married did not marry their type, or what could be considered their list guy.

What is crucial is to identify what is important to you as well as identify your deal breakers. For some women they want a man with a lot of money so they can live the fabulous life and be a socialite, while other women want their man to be home with them by 7pm. Here is where you have to determine which is more important and what is a deal breaker for you.  In most cases a man with a lot of money is not going to have as much time to spend with you as a guy making an average income. He is working to make his money and may not work traditional hours.

Assuming you have taken the time to determine what it is you want in a relationship you have to then date a guy who is able to give what you say it is you want. . A friend of mine always tells me she wants the kind of relationship her parents have. This is great because they seem to really be in love. The issue is the guy she dates is nothing like her father. He is disrespectful, a liar, and not a very good father to his child, if we are being honest. How can she ever get what her parents have with him?

No ring, ceremony, or amount of sex is going to make him to the person she wants him to be. So if she stays with him she will be able to say she is in a relationship but she won’t have what she says it is she wants, a relationship like her parents. What I am not here for is 30 year old women saying there are no good men. The truth is it might be you. Here are three reasons you are still single. 

You are chasing the unavailable. 

When a man says he does not want to be married, in a relationship, or that he is already in a relationship keep it moving. He is unavailable. Even if he sleeps with you, and texts you sweet nothings he is emotionally unavailable. I know you watch Power and you are thinking wait a minute Angela got Ghost, but did she really? Think about the episode their relationship is super tense, and they only seem connected lying in bed. She questions his every move, and I am sure they do not really trust each other. So no she didn’t win either. In the words of the great Maya Angelou “When someone shows you who they are believe them.”

You are not what you want.

If you want a boss, be a boss. I don’t understand why women think it is ok to be a minimum wage worker, then demand a guy be making six or seven figures before she will even say hi to him. It is as if you are frowning upon the minimum wage worker which means you are silently frowning upon yourself. People are attracted to people like them. Where does the guy making 6 figures go and meet the woman who is making minimum wage? She cannot afford to be at the Mayor’s ball, and he is probably not at the juke joint. Sure it works differently on tv and there is always that friend of a friend who is the exception. However, I am speaking to the majority.

You have no standards.

A standard is a level of quality, or an idea or thing used as a measure. Simply put a standard is what you require in order for a man to date you. Do you require he love God, have a car, treat you with respect? What must he do before you feel he is worthy of your time? This is your standard. Now some men will fall short, and we as women are tempted to stay and “save him” or give him a second chance, but while we are wasting time with him we are missing out on someone who will exceed those standards. Get some standards a man needs to perform at a certain level to be in your life. If you accept anything, and allow him to treat you any kind of way he will do just that. We teach people how to treat us, and if you teach people that you allow disrespect, then there is no reason for them to treat you better.

Bonus- You are mean!

The world is a rough place. People are struggling, with societal and economic issues The last thing a man wants is to come home to, or have to call a mean negative woman. Women we are man’s peace so don’t bring him pain. 

Don't worry if you feel like you do not fit not one of these categories, I will be back with more! The post had to end right?? Tell me why you think you are single?

4 Things you may be doing that Kills Trust in Your Marriage

What is trust? People say all the time without trust there is no relationship, and I tend to agree. Or they say you have to trust your spouse with your heart, home, finances, body, children, everything, and again I agree, but what is trust? I often feel like it is one of those things we talk about, know it when we feel it, but can’t quite put it in words. It is like an understanding between two people.

But what is it really?  Is it the ability to allow your husband to go on a guy’s trip and you not flip out and call him every five minutes, or maybe it means you know when bill time comes around you are good? Or does trust mean he can now leave his phone in the room and you no longer do an army low crawl to search it and put it back in the exact same place? I think it is all of these things and more.

As I pondered the idea of trust I of course went to Madam Google who led me to Sir Merriam-Webster and I found the following “simple” definition: 

• Belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc
• Assured reliance on character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something
  • One in which confidence is placed

There were other definitions related to money and banks but that is totally off topic.

Trust, is like security in a relationship. I don’t want to have to wonder about any aspect of my relationship EVER. I want to know whatever our arrangement is that is what it is! If money is tight I shouldn’t come home to a red envelop I need to know before it gets that far.  I need to feel confident when you are out I am your queen and I have nothing to worry about. There will always be someone thinner, thicker, taller, longer hair whatever, but I want to be able to TRUST what we have is bigger and better than what other women may be offering.

Trust is not always about side chicks, although that is where our minds tend to go first. It is about me knowing I can count on you. I need to know in a clutch you got me. When you are in a relationship the other person needs to trust you will do your part, and do what you said you would do. Whether that is pay the bills, pick up the kids. When there is trust in a relationship you are able to let your guard down. You can be emotionally and physically nude. You are able to openly communicate and share who you are.

Think about it this way; when your husband leaves do you immediately think OMG he is cheating, or are you like me and think hey babe have a good time and don’t forget the milk. Trust is an asset like money. You work for your check, and you have to work at making sure your spouse trusts you. This happens over time when you show yourself as reliable and honest.

But what if you were ruining the trust in your relationship and didn’t even know it. What if little mistakes are chipping away at the trust? Here are 4 things you could be doing that will over time kill the trust in your relationship.

1. Not communicating. When you are not talking (and listening) to your spouse you leave room for error and assumptions. Communication keeps down so much confusion. No one can tell you anything about your relationship or spouse if the two of you are in constant communication.
2. That dam phone. We are all addicted to our phones. You are probably reading this from your phone now. The issue is how you are with your phone. If you guard your phone with your life, scared to leave it in the same room with your mate, and change your body to shield the screen you look suspect. Sure the sun may have been in your eye and you need to adjust your body but it still looks fraud.
3. No sex in the champagne room. I don’t care who you are sex is mandatory in a relationship. So unless someone has cancer or some other serious illness you need to be having sex with your mate. Everyone no matter what they tell you assumes if you are not sleeping with them, you are getting it from somewhere else. Sure you may be tired but you still have to put it down.
4. Not following through. If you say you will do something, do it. Whatever THAT is, pay a bill, pick up the kids, call their mom, whatever you told them you would do, get your Nike on and JUST DO IT.

Trust happens over time. You have to build a track record of showing up, and being a person of your word. Still years of trust can be demolished in a millisecond so we have to be careful without words and actions. What are you doing today to build trust in your marriage?

What I learned sitting on the Porch

Recently I was sitting on the balcony with my son (1 year old) just sitting and looking. He enjoys outside, me not so much so the balcony is our happy medium. Note I was more than happy to oblige if it meant no melt down. Then it started to rain. We live on the second floor so we were able to keep sitting and not get wet. Suddenly the wind started to blow and it was doing the lean rain. You know the side ways rain that an umbrella really would not help you with.

It was about this time he decided he wanted to get down and touch the rail. He got down from our gliding bench and went toward the rail wind blowing, trees rocking, rain and all. While it was only two maybe three baby steps, for him I am sure it was huge. But right before he went on his mission he looked back at me. He wanted to know if I approved or not.

In that moment I was reminded of myself and the women I help. The women who have dreams and just need someone to assure them they can do it. You know small gesture with a huge payoff. We are so busy looking back for reassurance or approval we often times miss out on our calling. Think back to when bills were NOT a thing and you had big dreams. Are you living out those dreams?

Then I started to wonder how many times have I wanted to do something, was sure it was a great move, but did not do it because when I looked back there was no approval. Have you done this? How many times did you think of applying to that graduate program, having another child, starting a business, even selling wraps or Mary Kay? Did you follow through on your first thought or were you like so many of us who glanced back for approval, and when it was not there we froze?

I know a lack of support is hard, but what have you allowed this perceived need for support to cost you? Where could you be if you had just followed your heart and not looked back for approval? Or kept going despite the lack of approval?  I am sure over the years this type of thinking has cost me several things. For the sake of examples, I will just tell you it almost cost me my marriage. Good thing I believe in self-development and abandoned this mindset just in time to make it down the aisle.

Sadly enough there were people who, based on societal definitions, should have been ecstatic for me when I decided to get married and they were not. I was looking back in the beginning of my engagement and the one face I did not see amongst the support started to make me question things. I will just tell you I am happily married and glad I stopped looking for a cheerleader and became my own.

Which is what I encourage you to do. If it is your vision go after it. It does not matter who does not believe, understand or support your vision. Think about it like this, it is YOUR vision so how would someone else even begin to understand it?

Instead of looking for supporters we have to learn to have faith. Whatever faith looks like for you, God, Allah, Brother Rock, Buddah whomever you believe in that is greater than you. If They are calling you to something it doesn’t matter who is in your corner.

When you start to work in your purpose you will find the right people will enter your life at the right time. For my wedding I was able to support, and receive support from a woman I have known since high school. As a wife, I have connected with women who previously we would not have talked, and even in business I have been blessed with a phenomenal mastermind group. All of these women entered my life in due time so while I love me Drake, I am not a fan of no new friends.

Side note I gave my son the approval he needed. I wanted him to know he could venture out and I would support him. I did not want him to touch the rail, it was wet. But I wanted him to know some adventure is good and mommy will always support him, even if I disagree.

So let me encourage you whatever your dream is chase it down like your life depends on it. In some cases, it does. Are you truly going to be happy at that 9-5? Will you ever find happiness in that relationship you know deep down is going nowhere? You have the power to create your own happiness if you chose to.

The Hope of the Slave: Be Empowered by #Roots

I was all set to write a post about Tommy from Love and Hip Hop openly admitting to sexual acts with her “boyfriend’s” uncle Stevie J for a record … then I started watching Roots.

Yes, I watched it as a child, and again haphazardly as an adult when my niece wanted to watch it. I even own the mini series on DVD. However intentionally sitting down to watch this show that depicts a violent, torturous time in the history of my ancestors was a whole different feeling.

This is not a race piece (although it could be and who the hell would check me if it was) but and empowerment piece. To risk sounding cliché we are the descendants of survivors and we are so much more than we have become as a whole.

To be forcibly removed from your home, taken on the worse cruise of your life in the bottom of a ship in chains, and SURVIVE is more than any of us today can truly understand. To be ripped from your heritage, forced to forget your language, and savagely beat because you want to keep your name is something we are blessed to not have to deal with. To be conditioned to do the work of your slave owners, and I do not mean simply picking cotton. I mean being an over seer, or slave breaker this is a mental torture I cannot even begin to imagine.

Being able to choose romantic love and it have nothing to do with producing a new worker is a luxury the slaves were not afforded. The ability to love your mate, live together, and not be worried about being sold away is a nicety they knew nothing about. Yet here we are with all these options, choices, and side chicks when they prayed to not be sold away from the person they loved.

 To be honest we are spoiled. We have come so far and yet have even further to go. When the slaves banded together to try to take the ship I was super inspired. Not to start a war, but simply to empower my own. What would happen if before you went to Claire’s you shopped a small black owned business? So maybe they do not have what you are looking for but at least you looked their first. The tea is they will have what you are looking for but you have to look. We must start to empower one another and let go of the slave mentality of scarcity. Seeing another person win does not mean you lose. We are no longer fighting for the “good scraps” from Master’s table and there is enough to go around.

As we decide between Android and I Phone they decided between life and death. To help their fellow slave because he was being treated so harshly or simply watch because they did not want to be next. They had to decide to run and risk capture, and have their foot chopped, or stay and be treated worse than an animal.

We are able to walk around in the smallest shorts ever made, and then get mad when men look too long. When the slaves were poked, grouped, prodded, touched and checked like cattle.  Watching him attempt to check Kunta’s rear end and then cupping his genitals and forcing him to cough was very difficult to watch. He practically molested him all because he had become a piece of pending property.

I said all this to say, when you go to your 9-5 that you hate know you have the option to walk away. Sure you have bills and you may not like your choices but you have choices so be grateful. When you feel like your back is against the wall, it is not. Move away from the wall and try something different. We make hard choices sometimes but remember the slaves had NO CHOICES.

Wake up knowing we come from a place of strength so whatever you are going through SURVIVE IT. If he is cheating on you and making you feel bad leave. You don’t want to major in science and prefer to major in dance, DO IT.  Want to start a business, lose 30 pounds, start a blog, open your t-shirt store… DO IT. We are fortunate enough to be in a time where we can pursue our dreams and not be beat. We can choose any religion, change our name, marry the same sex, pretty much nothing is off limits anymore. So whatever it is you want to do, GO FOR IT.

Slaves were forced into their misery where their only other option was death, and still they made due. A lot of times we chose our misery and just complain. Be grateful for choices and options no matter how bad it seems. So what will you choose to do today?