4 Ways to Recognize and Combat Toxic Productivity

Recently I was on a bad rollercoaster. It seemed like no matter how early I woke up or how late I  went to bed I was never fully satisfied with the number of things I had done for the day. Spoiler alert I do ALOT. I have a family, friends, and a  business, and I am always trying to create helpful content. There is a lot going on. All the experts say wake up earlier to have that first hour to yourself and I did that. Stay up later and clean (again I have children so cleaning is a constant) and set the tone for the next day, I did that. Even though things were being done I still felt behind and it started to impact my worth on some level. It was literally never enough. The list was always growing. The need to feel productive and accomplished had really gotten out of hand. Then it hit me. I had fallen victim to toxic productivity.

Toxic productivity is the tendency to overdo things in an effort to reach a state of satisfaction that is never really attained. The odd part is it usually looks like the person has it together.  It can be easily mistaken for industriousness or extreme diligence, but it often works against the doer without their consciousness. Because the person is always looking to achieve the next thing and there is literally always the next thing. I also think a lot of us have been conditioned to achieve so it can be hard to recognize toxic productivity.

How to Recognize It

Some of the ways to recognize toxic productivity are through your attitude towards things. If you notice that you are never satisfied with what you have done, even if it meets your day’s to-dos, it could be an indication of toxic productivity. Toxic productivity prioritizes your uncontrolled urge for productivity over your well-being. You just keep on working endlessly without paying attention to your body’s need to rest. While most noticeably in your body your mental health is also impacted because you are never content with whatever you have done. Here are a few other signs to look out for:

Tendency to Work Overtime

You will find yourself developing a culture of working overtime even when it is not necessary or mandated. The things you have been able to accomplish in a day do not feel enough and you constantly want to do more than the average tasks to feel like you have done something significant.

Feelings of guilt when things are left undone

Your response to undone tasks is rather extreme compared to how the average person would react. There is a constant fear of appearing incompetent when a task is undone even when you are ahead of the original schedule. Guilt for the undone tasks is what leads to working overtime. 

Ignoring Self-care

It is common to ignore the cues to take care of your body. You may be feeling very tired but your desire to do all the things makes you ignore the physical cues of being tired and needing rest. 

Anxiety or Depression

Oftentimes, it is difficult to realize how much stress and pressure you are putting on yourself through toxic productivity. While most people are stressed by the expectations placed on them by others to perform, you are your own cause of stress. You rarely appreciate your achievements and instead, focus on what you have not done. The pessimistic approach to life may result in constant anxiety or depression. 

Eventual Fatigue and Burnout

As much as you are feeling overly ambitious most of the time, it gets to a point where the body gives in and you are too tired to continue with the habit. 

How to Combat It

So knowing all of this great but what do you do to combat it? I took a vacation. I understand from a financial place and just the obligations of life this is not always possible. However, if you can I really encourage you to take an extended break from things. The weekend just is not enough. Try a few of the following.

Recognize Your Self Worth is not Just in Your Work

I added this one first because it will more than likely be the hardest. It is going to require you to rewire your brain. You have to remember that you are more than your work. Wo you are is not where you go to work every day. Spend time doing things that are not related to work, or even money. You do not have to monetize every hobby you have.

Add Breaks

As you consider cutting down on this habit, a good place to start is to add frequent breaks so you aren’t overexerting yourself for long periods. Literally, block your calendar and take breaks, get a sip of water, and walk away from the screen (or other workplaces as you can).

Celebrate the small wins

As difficult as it may seem for you, set reasonable goals to attain so you train your mind to appreciate the little milestones you achieve. Everything you do is an accomplishment. Some are bigger than others but it is a win no matter what. Learn to celebrate the small wins along the way so you are reminded of what you have accomplished. 

Set Boundaries

Resist the urge to touch on the next day’s goals even if you are idle for the remainder of your day. Go do something else. 

Find Time Off

Finally, take time off your usual routines and do relaxing things like going on a vacation every now and then. 

One bonus I can add to this is to create a short and recent brag list. Write 3-5 of the most recent accomplishments on a post-it note and leave it near your mirror, workstation, dresser, or wherever you will see it often as a reminder that you are doing more and better than you are giving yourself credit for. It is also important to remember every day your level best is different so do not compare what you accomplished yesterday to today because your capacity may be different.

What to do When you are in a Therapy Slump

The progress in therapy can be slow and requires perseverance and dedication. For some mental conditions and life trauma counseling is lifelong. While it is an active thing we are doing to get better there can be a sump because tangible results manifest gradually. So often we are looking for the 180 degrees of change when really we need to look for the 1 degree. Change is hard and can come about a lot slower than we think. There may be periods of regression, relapses, and plateau phases in your mental health journey. 

When therapy stagnancy gets in the way of progress, here are a few things you can do to get out of the funk. 

Talk to Your Therapist

Say something! Let this be a practice in speaking up and advocating for yourself. Your clinician is equipped with resources and strategies to help identify the source of the stagnancy and problem solve with you. They also have the experience and training to help you maneuver through the slump. 

You do not need to suffer in silence when you have a professional helping you get better. Talk to your therapist, and together you can find a lasting solution.

Acceptance

Acknowledge your situation instead of living in denial. It is okay to feel stuck. It is normal for any long-term process to have an exponential face and a plateau phase. However, do your best not to lag off. Ignoring this reality only exhausts your resolve further and worsens your feelings of dissatisfaction. While you are feeling less of an impact, your mind is slowly and steadily reshaping for the better.

Use Your Feelings and Emotions as Pointers

Your feelings and emotions do not always accurately depict your mental state. It is the reason they have to be regulated. Therefore, you cannot rely on them to make decisions or develop perceptions. Instead, leaning on your sensations, use them as indicators. Why are you finding therapy to be such a burden? What is feeding your dissatisfaction? You should also note when counseling became unbearable. 

Identify the triggers and enabling behaviors and focus on resolving the conflicts. Unless you find the root cause of your discontentment, you may never see the necessity to continue with therapy. Let your feelings and emotions point you toward the underlying cause. 

Create Daily Goals to Break from Routine

Therapy, like any other life routine, gets boring. It gets familiar and unchallenging with time. The monotony makes you worn out. You can spice up your routine by setting up daily goals to increase the excitement. The goals should be realistic and focus on improving certain aspects of your mental health.

 If your stagnation comes from therapy strategies not working, it may be time to learn new techniques. The rut means progress in such cases. Your brain uses learned pathways to solve new problems. Sometimes, the novel issue may be too complex for your brain's response. Thus, it may be time to learn new therapeutic techniques to overcome this new milestone. 

Create goals that achieve a higher objective to stimulate your brain. Begin with improving the rut causation before advancing to boosting other areas of your brain. You need to know the cause of your rut to achieve these goals.

Self-Care

A slump may indicate you are not taking care of your mental and physical health. Are you getting enough sleep? How long do you rest? What is your diet? Mental health requires complete lifestyle transformation. 

• Ample sleep helps regulate your circadian rhythm, essential for hormone regulation. Some of these hormones influence mood regulation.

• Diet provides nutrients that the body uses to maintain the brain's function. Thus, you can set your goals, improve your motivation and reasoning, and regulate your emotions, thoughts, and mood.

• Exercise improves blood circulation. It boosts your brain performance by supplying sufficient nutrients and oxygen to the brain. Exercise also releases feel-good hormones to help you handle depression.

• Spend time with loved ones. When you are around people who care, you get the support to forge on in therapy.

• Mindfulness activities help you appreciate life and delight in the little things.

If you have been neglecting yourself, it is easy to get weighed down by life responsibilities. Prioritize yourself beyond attending therapy sessions. 

Make a Change

Progress in therapy is a great thing. While some people need years of therapy others may need months. If you are finding that nothing is new, your moods are regulated and you are using the skills and concepts discussed it may be time to take a step back. I find that people use the skills when we are seeing one another weekly because they know I will ask about them. I like to space the sessions out for 2 weeks and see what happens. It is ok to gradually space out the sessions because the goal is to heal right? It may be time for less frequent sessions and more actual real life. Do not be afraid to suggest this.

Everyone is different and what works for others may not work for you, but try a few of these suggestions if you find yourself in a rut while in therapy.

Happy healing!!

What to Do if Your Therapist Offends You

We are all so different. What is ok in my house may not be in yours. My children are allowed to say no and I remember this was the holy grail of what not to do when I was growing. My point is we are all different and our threshhold for offense and disrespect is different. 

Times are changing and I think people are changing as quickly as they can but they will mess up. Therapist are people and while we have been trained on empathetic listening we were not given a linguistic course. Therapist have blindspots as well and they may come up in your session.

There may be a time when your therapist upsets you with their mannerisms word choice or even office decor. What should you do? I think there is external work and internal work to be done. 

Externally I think talk to the therapist about it. This is a teachable moment for the both of you. You being able to speak up for yourself and explain why you are feeling this way is helpful and it also shows the therapist their blind spot.  Growth for everybody. 

Internally challenge yourself to consider what you are actually upset about. Why did their use of this word (racial slurs and misgendering pronouns NOT included) offend you and was it intentional. What about the earrings made you upset? What about their website language and pictures triggered this response in you. Is it you? Does it remind you of something or someone else? One of the four agreements is to never take anything personal is this an instance where you can practice this?

There will be times where there is no compromise or understanding and in that case absolutely get another therapist. So much of your success is dependent on the theraputic relationship and if you believe it is tarnished beyond repair seek help elsewhere. ?I believe speaking up presents an opportunity for growth for the both of you even if you get a new therapist. You will have the opportunity to use your voice in a safe environment and the therapist will also have an opportunity to grow because trust me we are learning in these sessions as well. 

How do we learn to communicate if we are just running away? How does a person learn their language is offensive if in their home it is acceptable? Nope it is not your place to educate anyone but what if you took a minute to stand up for yourself? Would you feel better? 

7 Things To Do when the Holidays Hurt

Growing up I was never more aware that I was different until the holiday season came around. Think about when you are young and in school the only thing you want is to fit in. I never did especially during this time. While for most people this is the most wonderful time of the year for a whole lot of other people it is not. It is a reminder of what they do not have.

They could be missing, money, experiences, time, and more importantly people. Grief around the holidays soars. Even f it has been well managed the holidays are very triggering for people. Add in mental health issues, divorce, family dysfunction it may actually be the worst time of the year for some people. Some people are missing their routines. Being able to flow in the family the have created with the norms they have grown accustomed to. There is also ton of pressure that comes with the holidays that is not always talked about.

There is pressure to eat the food no matter your food preferences or if you are dieting. There is pressure to have a date, a baby, some new career announcement or whatever the next perceived step in this season of life is for you. Then  you are expected to be “on.” To smile even if you are not happy. To just get through because God forbid you ruin the holiday by speaking your truth, or saying you are not feeling cheerful. I am in no way saying show up with turkey and a grudge but it can be hard to consistently feel silenced during this time.

If you are one of the people who are not quite as happy this time of year for whatever reason here are some things you can do when the holidays hurt.

Practice Self-Care. Give yourself what you need. The best thing to do when you're not feeling ok is to be deliberate about taking care of yourself. Instead of bathing in a bath of sorrow and despair, uplift yourself with a soothing candle-lit, naturally fragranced warm bath and a nice drink. Turn on your favorite songs, read new books, find new recipes if you enjoy cooking and baking, learn new hobbies, and simply be present with yourself. Caring for yourself in the holiday season when you're not feeling ok is very critical. Within this time, you will garner strength and build a strong relationship with the self, which is essential for both seasons of feeling ok and not feeling ok.

Have an exit plan. Check in with yourself and when it is time to go, leave. Have a pre made excuse- dinner with other people, plans for holiday parties at work, a date, whatever you need. Although I prefer a more direct approach of it is just time for me to leave I understand not everyone is as comfortable saying that.

Take a support person. Sometimes even with family you grew up with as an adult you can feel like a stranger in the room. When at all possible take someone with you. If not have a friend on standby that you can text. It can be difficult because they may be with family as well bit knowing you have someone who is willing to give you a moment is helpful.

Make Alone Time Priority. When we are not feeling ok, we tend to push it under the rug and never evaluate the reason especially during the holiday. It is ok to go in a room alone or even show up late so that you can take the necessary time to for yourself. Feel your feelings and then allow them to pass. The feelings will not last forever and forcing yourself to feel a different way only makes them linger longer.

Practice gratitude. I know to can be easy to focus on what is wrong and what is missing but there things t be grateful for all around you. Look for them. Outline all the positive things in your life instead of only dwelling on the negative. Start writing a list of all the items in your life that you appreciate and love. Read this list during the moments you don't feel ok.

Dress up! Our appearance is often directly related to our internal emotional state. Don’t just sit and allow the emotions to flood you. I can’t remember who but someone said When you feel your worst look your best. I LIVE by this! It always acts as a mood booster to look good even f my insides do not match quite yet.

Gift yourself. Sometimes waiting for a gift might make you feel worse, especially if one doesn't come and if it's not quite as valuable as the one you have given. It's essential that the most thoughtful gifts you will receive come specially wrapped from you, this will ensure that you are always satisfied and happy with what you received.

It's quite acceptable not to feel ok during the festive holiday season. However, by being gentle with yourself, not dismissing your feelings, and spending time with people you can trust, you will be able to get through and maybe even have some fun.

6 Ways to Build Self Confidence

A common theme I have been seeing in my clients lately is a lack of confidence. It shows up in so many different ways. I think most often we link confidence to beauty money, and status but it can also show up in other areas. Lack of confidence can look like not setting boundaries, not taking care of your physical body, not keeping your word, and even not putting yourself out there for fear of rejection. I get it. The world is scary and you never know how people will respond. Still there has to be a moment where that does not matter because the thing you are going after matters more. I think self confidence kicks in here. It allows you t feel the fear but do the thing anyway.

What is self-confidence? It is defined as a feeling – a feeling of trust in one’s qualities, capabilities, and judgment. Confidence is also trusting that you are enough and the decisions you make for yourself are correct- and even of it goes left knowing you do not have to beat yourself up about it. It can bring more benefits than you think. 

Here are four I bet you have not considered:

You perform better. You don’t waste your time worrying about what you are not, instead you are more confident of what you are capable of and what you can become.

You gain healthier relationships. You understand what you bring to the relationship and how you want to be treated which impacts the way you form relationships with others

You are more open to new things. It becomes easier to say yes to more opportunities and possibilities.

You get back up when you fall. Understanding that you will not always get it right you become more resilient and thrive even in the midst of a challenging situation.

It is so much easier said than done especially considering everyone has a different set of life situations. The more I talk to people the more I understand it is not as easy as just do it. It does not always come easy  or naturally for everyone, so here are some practical ways you can start to boost your confidence.

1. Work out

I get it. Between jobs and facing other personal battles, it’s difficult to start working out let alone keep a routine. But exercising is not just about losing weight or building muscle, it’s also proven to improve mental health by reducing anxiety, depression, and other feelings of negativity. It’s also been found to alleviate feelings of low self-esteem as well. Working out requires commitment and just merely sticking to it is in itself an accomplishment. Doesn’t accomplishing something make you feel good?

2. Take responsibility for yourself.

You have to understand that you and only you can make things happen in your life - not anybody else. You have to make that decision about what you want to accomplish. If you always spend all your time waiting for things to happen for you, you are in for a huge disappointment. For instance, how would you know if you are not fit for a job if you never apply?

3. Choose to surround yourself with positive people.

Those you spend a lot of your time with may influence your thoughts and impact the way you see yourself in a big way. People can be overly judgmental to others, and sometimes even those close to us could trigger our anxiety and make us feel even worse. While it is important to have a strong support system, pay attention to how people in your life make you feel. Are they encouraging? Do they make you feel like you can do better and be better? How about your family? Analyze how they make you feel and choose to surround yourself with those who make you feel better, obviously while still holing you accountable.

4. Practice positive self-talk.

We are our own worst enemy and our own biggest critic. Being honest with yourself is good, but you also have to be kind. Negative self-talk may bring out the worst in you and may limit your abilities. If you constantly tell yourself that you are not good enough, you will eventually believe it and that’s not going to help you in any way. Reframe your thoughts and practice positive self-talk. Instead of saying “you can’t do anything right” try saying “I can do better next time.”

5. Take one step at a time.

You don’t have to do challenging things right away just to make yourself more confident. Sometimes it’s easy to take one small step like do something that makes you uncomfortable at least once in a while. Thinking about my earlier point to exercise- you do not have to wake up tomorrow and be a gladiator. Start small, try taking a walk and build from there.

6. Celebrate small things and small victories.

You are alive and healthy. You were able to accomplish a task you have been holding off on for a while. You went out and bought yourself a coffee even though you were feeling anxious. These things are enough for you to celebrate. One of the best ways to gain self-confidence is by appreciating the things you can do no matter how small it is. You don’t have to wait for that big moment to celebrate. Sometimes, you get focused on the big thing when it’s the small things that really count. Try to write down a couple of things you did well at the end of each day. You are probably doing better than you think.

It all starts with you. Consider what step you are willing to take today. A bonus thing I think may be worth mentioning is to get a mentor. There are times when you just can’t do it on your own and need some guidance. Find someone who can show you how, like a mentor or a coach (dare I say a therapist). Ask them for an action plan that you can both implement. Or maybe, just have a conversation with them which will help you pick up nuggets of wisdom. Confident people are ready to help because they know they have been down that road before – not knowing what to do and the effort that it took to achieve their goal.

How will you start to build your confidence?