4 Things you may be doing that Kills Trust in Your Marriage

What is trust? People say all the time without trust there is no relationship, and I tend to agree. Or they say you have to trust your spouse with your heart, home, finances, body, children, everything, and again I agree, but what is trust? I often feel like it is one of those things we talk about, know it when we feel it, but can’t quite put it in words. It is like an understanding between two people.

But what is it really?  Is it the ability to allow your husband to go on a guy’s trip and you not flip out and call him every five minutes, or maybe it means you know when bill time comes around you are good? Or does trust mean he can now leave his phone in the room and you no longer do an army low crawl to search it and put it back in the exact same place? I think it is all of these things and more.

As I pondered the idea of trust I of course went to Madam Google who led me to Sir Merriam-Webster and I found the following “simple” definition: 

• Belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc
• Assured reliance on character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something
  • One in which confidence is placed

There were other definitions related to money and banks but that is totally off topic.

Trust, is like security in a relationship. I don’t want to have to wonder about any aspect of my relationship EVER. I want to know whatever our arrangement is that is what it is! If money is tight I shouldn’t come home to a red envelop I need to know before it gets that far.  I need to feel confident when you are out I am your queen and I have nothing to worry about. There will always be someone thinner, thicker, taller, longer hair whatever, but I want to be able to TRUST what we have is bigger and better than what other women may be offering.

Trust is not always about side chicks, although that is where our minds tend to go first. It is about me knowing I can count on you. I need to know in a clutch you got me. When you are in a relationship the other person needs to trust you will do your part, and do what you said you would do. Whether that is pay the bills, pick up the kids. When there is trust in a relationship you are able to let your guard down. You can be emotionally and physically nude. You are able to openly communicate and share who you are.

Think about it this way; when your husband leaves do you immediately think OMG he is cheating, or are you like me and think hey babe have a good time and don’t forget the milk. Trust is an asset like money. You work for your check, and you have to work at making sure your spouse trusts you. This happens over time when you show yourself as reliable and honest.

But what if you were ruining the trust in your relationship and didn’t even know it. What if little mistakes are chipping away at the trust? Here are 4 things you could be doing that will over time kill the trust in your relationship.

1. Not communicating. When you are not talking (and listening) to your spouse you leave room for error and assumptions. Communication keeps down so much confusion. No one can tell you anything about your relationship or spouse if the two of you are in constant communication.
2. That dam phone. We are all addicted to our phones. You are probably reading this from your phone now. The issue is how you are with your phone. If you guard your phone with your life, scared to leave it in the same room with your mate, and change your body to shield the screen you look suspect. Sure the sun may have been in your eye and you need to adjust your body but it still looks fraud.
3. No sex in the champagne room. I don’t care who you are sex is mandatory in a relationship. So unless someone has cancer or some other serious illness you need to be having sex with your mate. Everyone no matter what they tell you assumes if you are not sleeping with them, you are getting it from somewhere else. Sure you may be tired but you still have to put it down.
4. Not following through. If you say you will do something, do it. Whatever THAT is, pay a bill, pick up the kids, call their mom, whatever you told them you would do, get your Nike on and JUST DO IT.

Trust happens over time. You have to build a track record of showing up, and being a person of your word. Still years of trust can be demolished in a millisecond so we have to be careful without words and actions. What are you doing today to build trust in your marriage?

Balancing Business and Family

Entrepreneurship among women is at an all time high. I personally think this is great and believe we as women possess all it takes to run the world. However before we go off and conquer the world we have to make sure home is taken care of.

You do not want to lose your marriage or place unneeded stress on your family as you work to build your empire. When I first started my business I was obsessed to say the least. I was constantly reading, researching, taking free classes (and some paid ones). I mean I wanted to know everything.

Constantly looking at my phone or locking myself in the home office was not healthy for my family. I have a husband, and 11 year old and a 1 year old who is attached to his mommy at the hip if I left him. So even when the Mr. wasn’t noticing my absence my little man was. Fortunately my big girl is self sufficient and into her own pre teen life.

It wasn’t until I heard the Mr. give a loud (maybe overly dramatic) sigh did I take a look up from my phone and see what was happening to my family. My little man was crying, my pre teen was not making good TV choices and the Mr. was at wits end. I knew then something had to change. I also knew I was not giving up the idea of owning my own business. I honestly believe in having it all I just know it takes work. So I implemented these practical strategies and hacks into my life,  and we seem to be in a nice groove as a family and my business is flourishing as well.

1. Protect my time and create boundaries in my life. You have to learn your own limits and learn to say no.

2. Figure out exactly what it takes to run your type of business and plan out a process. For example I know I have to create content, so I set aside a specific day and time to do this.

3. Use my time at my day job very wisely. If there is down time I try to watch a webinar there, but only after my work is done because I need those coins to continue to fund my business.

4. Learn how to live with less sleep. In order to make sure my family gets what they need from me I have some late nights and early mornings.I do not have a nanny, chef, or maid so all those duties still have to get done no matter what. This means sometimes I wake up early and sometimes I go to bed late. My family is a priority to me and I make sure they know it. Sacrificing a little sleep to make sure ALL of our needs are met is ok with me.

5. Made my husband a priority. I also started to include him in my dreams, and share more of what I was learning with him.

How do you make time for it all?

What to Do When Your Family and Spouse Do NOT Get Along

Now we already know I am a believer of protecting your marriage, but what happens when your marriage needs to be protected from your family? When you decided to marry your spouse did you ask your parents or even siblings for permission? Did you see if they were compatible? I definitely did not and I am guessing you didn’t either. Hopefully you are one of the millions of people who have no issues with your spouse and family getting along but if you are not keep reading.

When your spouse and family do not get along it can literally keep you up at night and have you dreading family events like holidays and birthdays because you just never know what might happen. Then on the way home you have to listen to your spouse express concern over people you have known your whole life. Or you have to get an earful from your family about the person you love. It sucks to say the least.

The worst part is when either of them is right. You can’t verbally agree with your mom (or other nagging family member) that your husband should be doing more, and you can’t let your husband call your mom (or other family member) a psycho, who needs to mind her own dam business, even if they are both right. We often overlook the flaws of our family because we expect and accept their flaws. It is difficult for someone who has not been a part of the chaos forever to simply roll with the madness. It is also uncomfortable for your family because they are not head over in heels in love with your spouse. So what so you do? How do you manage the two? Well here are four tips to help you manage the crazy.

1. Demand they RESPECT one another. They may never get a long and talk on the phone but they both have a very unique position in your life, and the other one has to respect it.
2. Set boundaries. If mom (or other family member) cannot respect your spouse you can not continue to come around because it is creating chaos in your otherwise peaceful home. While in premarital counseling my pastor told us it was our job to protect our marriage and I believed him. You marriage is like a newborn baby fragile especially in the beginning you do not need others interfering with your baby. Just know once boundaries are set you have to stick with them.
3. NEVER vent to them about one another. You will forgive your mom and go back to laughing and talking like BFF and your spouse will not. You will forgive your spouse and they will again be the best ever and your family will be giving major side eye remembering what he did last week. This is not a good look for any people involved.
4. Give pep talks before interaction. Tell your mom you need the event to go off without any unnecessary drama, and you need her to trust you have your home handled. Tell your husband he is awesome and you love him to the moon so it does not matter what your family says because you said yes to him.

Listen, it is very hard to manage both but it can be done and some feelings may be hurt initially but you will find a groove. Remember you chose your spouse, you said yes to him/her. You live with them and you need peace in your home so everyone else has to respectfully fall in line.

How do you deal with your spouse and your parents/family? Or are you lucky and everyone gets along?