Effective Communication- Do you Want to be Right or do You Want a Resolution

An expectation without communication is just an assumption. ~LaToya The Therapist

Who are you modeling when you communicate? Your mother? Father? Favorite adult? Perhaps it’s a TV or movie character. Or maybe you decided to model the person you made up in your mind; the person you needed when you were younger.

Most of my clients do not realize how much past trauma shows up in how they communicate. Part of how we communicate is directly connected to how we perceive a situation. How we perceive a situation will then inform how we feel about it and that will determine how we respond. That response, depending on learned or interpreted behavior, can lead to disastrous and unhealthy forms of communication if gone unchecked. 

We engage in communication in several aspects of life. In my personal and professional experience we struggle the most in our romantic relationships.  How we speak to our partner is a large part of communicating, but so is how we interact, show affection or engage in discourse. The thing most people fail to address is how we communicate when we are in conflict. Giving your partner the silent treatment or withholding affection or sex, is also communication. It’s unhealthy communication, but communication nonetheless.

What I see the most is confusing the need to be right with finding a resolution. In your mind, proving you are right, is the solution! When in reality the solution is more than likely compromise and changed behavior. Your partner does not have to agree in order to find resolution. Your partner simply needs to be open to hear your point of view, offer a response and an apology if warranted.  Not all disagreements are able to be resolved in one sitting. Sometimes it is an ongoing issue that takes time to unpack, and discuss at great lengths. Everyone’s processing speed is different and some conversations are so important you do not want them to be rushed. Again, past trauma is likely rearing it’s head if the conversation is super triggering.

Maybe you’re a fixer and your instinct is to immediately discuss the issue at great length, and not finding a resolution is out of the question. Your partner however, grew up in a contentious household and absolutely despises confrontation. How do you create a healthy and equal environment where both parties are able to engage at their comfort level? Perhaps the compromise is the person who has to fix the problem immediately can discuss what immediately looks like. If immediately is still within the hour after everyone has had a chance to calm down, would that work? Then the fixer can fix and the other partner still has time to step away. It will look different in every relationship but it is not impossible.

Engaging in discourse with the mindset that someone has to be wrong, misses the point of the argument. What is closer to the truth is that no one is wrong per say there is just a different perspective and different emotions from the two of you. 

What can be really frustrating is when our actions do not line up with our words which often exacerbates the miscommunication. If your attitude, gestures, lack of verbal responses are different than your normal, telling your partner nothing is wrong is insulting. They have eyes, arguably they know you and can sense something is off. You are allowed to not want to discuss it. Let them know you are not ready and say I just need some time. This keeps them from badgering you and invading your space, but also allows them to not start to create a narrative that may be false. Respecting a person’s desire to not discuss an issue while tempers are raised is also a form of effective communication. This by no means is an excuse to avoid conflict, it is just being responsible and taking time to respond maturely and with love. 

Ultimately, if a person was bothered by a behavior, is it more important that the person make an effort to course correct, or must they agree that how you are feeling is valid? I raise that issue because our feelings are a primary cause for miscommunication. Feelings are very much real, but they are not facts. Trying to keep those two concepts at the forefront of an argument is difficult, but necessary if your desire is for your communication with your partner to be effective.

How do you communicate with your partner?

Is Couples Therapy Good or Bad

I’ll follow you to the ends of the Earth; as long as it doesn’t lead to therapy. ~folks who won’t read this, but should

Is couples therapy a good idea? As a therapist I will always say yes lol.  The politically correct answer is that therapy is a personal choice and every situation is different. The short answer is, yes. 

I absolutely understand the hesitance when it comes to the idea of therapy. There are so many preconceived notions, mostly surrounding the stigma of mental health, that prevents people (especially couples), from seeking the help they desperately need. Also therapy is really getting emotionally naked in front of a complete stranger. I get it. It is a lot to manage.

The fact of the matter is you don’t have to be in a romantic relationship to benefit from therapy. We are all engaging in different types of relationships that are not romantic, but may also be strained.  So many of us are in toxic work environments, difficult family dynamics and complicated friendships. 

We seek advice from anyone who we believe can give us a lifeline; that little bit of advice to help us get through the holidays with our in-laws or dinner with our best friend’s annoying spouse, but when it comes to navigating our own romantic relationships, seeking therapy is a non-starter.

Couples usually find themselves in my office when the relationship is all but over. I cannot tell you the amount of times I have been thinking if they had come sooner we could have saved this. Usually though, one or both parties feel like they are out of options and come to me as a last resort. By the time they reach me, they are already drowning in years of pain, often being sucked in by a lifetime of unchecked trauma. Most couples don’t realize that couples counseling can be part of ensuring that the relationship remains successful. It doesn’t have to be, nor should it be the last stop on the road to divorce. In my opinion, it should be the first stop once a couple has decided to make their union (whatever that looks like) official.   

Therapy is a place for self-discovery and along that journey, you will pick up tools that are necessary to better navigate the journey you are on. What happens when your partner  requires a different set of tools that you don’t have…yet. Do you search for the tool or do you decide that you are content with what you have and find someone who doesn’t require so many tools? Perhaps you both have the same set and are calling them by different names not realizing you already have everything you need to build and maintain a successful relationship.

As you build the life you want, your requirements and expectations will change. Change is almost always acceptable in any other part of our life other than relationship requirements. We change our employment positions. We may stay with the same company, but we expect upward mobility with a pay raise at the very least. We upgrade our vehicles, homes, and clothes yet somehow, changing relationship dynamics and requirements are seen as an affront and in extreme cases a deal breaker.

Couples therapy is a way to navigate through the inevitable changes that people experience while engaging in relationship. The fact is people will grow. The misconception is that they will grow together. When the reality is without intentionality they often grow apart. Couples therapy can help to identify the places where couples are growing apart and offer tools to course correct. Therapy can really be preventative if we just allow it to be.

If you decide to give couples therapy a try, keep in mind it isn’t a one size fits all. You may need to shop around to find the right fit for both parties. 

Remember, you are the expert in your own life. I wish you well on your journey.

Tasha finally got it right: Seek help when you need it!

I was watching Power today (like the rest of the world) and was so touched by Tasha. While I don’t always agree with her she was my favorite this episode. I love how she acknowledged needing help. So many times, we (especially black women) are supposed to just shoulder shit and keep moving forward. To see Tasha be so open about needing help was EVERYTHING!!! She stated multiple times she was not ok and needed to talk. I was like yes way to be self-aware. What made her my favorite this episode is that not only did she recognize the need, but she did something about it without having to be referred or begged to seek help. She had a game plan to help with her healing and I love her for it. We must be proactive in all aspects of our lives. So, bravo Tasha.

What was also so realistic and heartbreaking to me was the person who should have been her number one cheerleader in getting help because they understood what she was dealing with was shutting her down at every turn. I have been there on multiple occasions. Once when I was 19 with a newborn and had no idea what postpartum was and kept being told I had to get over it because I had done this to myself. Another time was saying I wanted to be a therapist and being told by family my career choice was a joke. But let me get back to Power... James originally did not want to even consider the grief group. He said he wasn’t feeling it. I found myself feeling like I was back at work with my forensic clients asking them what’s not to feel? A safe place to say you are hurt (which clearly, he needed). Unfortunately, the way James was acting is nothing new. Saying “I’m not feeling that” or some other derivative is too common.

What also had me side eyeing James was the fact that he didn’t trust her to grieve and describe her feelings because they are different from the people in the group. Sure, the other people in the group probably were not drug dealing murders, who had an affair with the DA and missed what was happening to their son which lead to all this anyway, but a grieving parent is a grieving parent. After all the secrets (setting up Canaan, providing an alibi for killing Lobos, and whatever else) and shenanigans she has dealt with and handled like the proverbial “ride or die chick” why question her now? Why not give her what she needed? Like she said, she can discuss her feelings without discussing the other stuff.

While I baby clap him for being willing to go he was there again blocking Tasha from getting what she truly needed. Simply showing up to the group is not enough for some people. They need to be able to interact and share their feelings (the point of the group anyway). She felt led to share and he shut her down so smoothly. As he has done in their marriage multiple times (but that’s not even why I’m here). Him stopping her from sharing struck me on several layers and I will try to unpack a few…

On the surface you have a husband shutting down a wife who has said she needs help. When people reach out for help or admit to feeling vulnerable, not right, sad, or whatever listen to them. Shutting them down only ensures the next time they will not be sharing their feelings with you. Telling people to get over it, toughen up, or put their big girl panties on is not always the answer. In fact, if a person is actually feeling something I can almost guarantee it makes their stomach turn to hear their loved one say some insensitive shit like that, and they will think twice before opening up again. Why are we so quick to shut down a person who is expressing vulnerability?

On another layer, we have someone telling another person not to do the very thing they think will help them. Tasha felt lead to the group and simply on the strength that she thought it would help her it would have in some way. We have got to stop shutting people down from getting help their way. Which lead me to religion. The minute someone wants to cleanse their energy someone calls it witchcraft. The negative connotation associated with magic, ancient healing rituals, and being a witch is also not why I am here but needs to be mentioned. The second someone says Allah instead of God they become a terrorist. Everything doesn’t work for everyone. The reason some medicines work for some people and are like skittles to another person, the way some children need timeouts and others need a spanking (yes I said it) or removal of toys, its simple… WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT. It is perfectly ok to believe, practice, and grieve differently. We must allow people to choose their own path and then respect when their choice does not match our own.

While Tasha has a few more episodes left to deal with her demons, and her choices, you reading this do not have to wait. I wish I could say do this and the pain will go away, but it is not that simple. You must put the work in and be willing to expose yourself. Being self-aware is not for the faint of heart. When you really trying to change and really trying to heal, it has been my experience personally and professionally that it will hurt worse first. It’s like when you really cleaning up and organizing so you pull stuff out of hiding and it looks a hot mess before it looks clean. Be brave like Tasha and admit you need help, but also seek help. It’s not going to be easy the question is are you willing to stick it through?

4 Positions to Drive Him Wild

With it being love day and all I know everyone is thinking about the chocolate, wine, steaks and of course some good ole bedroom action, and I am no different. This post however is…

Every woman wants her man to be crazy over her. We want to feel like his life revolves around us, and would kiss the ground we walk on. Ladies, am I right? We want out man to smile at us proudly as we kill whatever goals we have set for ourselves, and simultaneously rip our clothes off like we are Halle Berry’s porn star twin in the bedroom.

This is the reason why #relationshipgoals is a trending hashtag on social media. Not a believer? Look it up and you will see an array of pictures. You will find pics displaying pride, lust, and everything in between. Girlfriends and wives everywhere are drooling over the way Jay Z holds Beyonce’s ankle. While cheering and leaving smiling emojis as we discovered that Tammy took back Wacka. Let us not forget the time Former President Barack Obama cupped his First Lady’s rear end *swoon*

The thing women are forgetting is we have to stimulate his MIND and his body. Sure you can be a gymnast in the bed, and even be the best he ever had, but if that is all you have the relationship will never make it out of the bedroom. How will he brag to his friends if his only memories with you are in the bedroom? Those stories will eventually get old. If he serious about you he will not want to talk about your bedroom behavior instead he will want to talk about your business venture, the time you graduated from college, your new promotion at work, or how loving you are with the children. He will want to talk about a woman who is bringing more to the table than her plate.

 As cliché, as it sounds a man, wants a LADY in the streets and a FREAK in the sheets. Don’t believe me? Go ahead and ask any man. It can be a lot but you are trying to get to those relationship goals right? So here are four positions that are sure to drive him wild in and out of the bedroom.

Ride him, cowgirl. This will allow you to take control while giving him a full view of you and allow his hands to roam free. Men love when the woman takes control so give him what he wants!

Doggie Style. In this position, he is able to go deeper, and move at his own pace. So for the times when he needs to dominate and feel like a king, this is a perfect position.

Standing tall. A woman who is confident, about her business, and takes care of her business is a turn on. If you are truly standing tall you will have no problem stimulating his mind, and showing him things he has never seen before. Remember confidence is the best thing a woman can wear.

On your knees. Instantly you thought about an oral transaction, and those are good too but there is nothing like a praying woman. A lady who knows where her strength comes from will be able to be her man’s backbone when he needs it. Whatever your faith is you have to have a source. God, Universe, Buddha whomever you have to get your strength from somewhere, and faith comes from prayer.

Use these positions and watch him fall in love with you all over again. He will notice the changes and suddenly you are the giggling girl with your man looking lovingly at you. Thank me later ladies, and happy love day.

Which position will you be trying tonight?

Change your perception and change your life... PLUS 36 things to do during football season

No matter how hard I tried to avoid this, it seems I was destined to enjoy football. My brother who is eight years older than me FORCED me to watch the movie The Program (starring Omar Epps, and Halle Berry EVERY SINGLE DAY for a year). Then when he was in high school, and college I was forced to attend his games weekly, under the guise of support, although I did enjoy the cheerleaders.

Then I found myself knocked up at age 19 and alone. It was sad, but that is not the point. The point is I spent a large amount of time with my father. I will give you a minute to google “daddy’s girl” and find my picture. I kid, no really. Anyway spending all this time with my father meant watching football.  He is a football FANATIC!!! He watches the draft like I watch How to Get Away with Murder. I mean he knows stats, where people went to college, and in some cases he knows a little about their upbringing. So instead of being even more miserable watching a sport I did not necessarily like or understand, I started asking questions. I begin to learn what the hand signals meant, and why they had so many chances to make a touch down. I started learning player’s name and my love of football and the Steeler Nation began.

Fast forward to the present and depending on who is playing I am happier than my husband to hear “I been waiting all day for Sunday night.” I know everyone will not share my sentiment. Some women refuse to even give the game a try. I don’t understand that because the eye candy is great, oh and part of being in a relationship is taking interest in his interest but I digress. Here we are half way almost done with preseason with 17 more weeks of regular season, playoffs, and then Super Bowl and women are saying good bye to their husbands and they are sad about it.

They need to be jumping for joy. How could they not realize all the free time they have in store during this football season. A lot of life’s issues are all about mindset. We trick ourselves into thinking we are not good enough so we never go after our dreams. We are mad when we don’t get a promotion, but the person who got the promotion is miserable and wants to quit. We struggle with seeing the blessings that surround us.

We look at rejection as a bad thing, when it is really protection. When you are stuck in traffic you are not in the fatal accident ahead. When the guy breaks your heart, you are that much closer to your prince charming. When the car lot tells you no, then the car is recalled, or you lose your job and would not have been able to pay for it anyway. The rejection was really protection. We have to start training our minds to see the good even when the situation seems extra bleak. There is a lesson in everything IF you have the right mindset.

So stop dreading football season and embrace it. I personally recommend attempting to like the game because it really is fun. Still, if hubby is like most men and cannot function when the game is on, you are going to have to occupy your time. In case you need some help with what to do with your time I have created a bucket list for you. A list of 36 things for you to do during football season.

So do you watch the game, or are you totally against it?