Embracing Uncomfortable Conversations: A Guide to Overcoming Conflict Avoidance

We will not always agree all of the time which can lead to conflict. Before we get too far ahead of ourselves let’s define conflict. According to Google conflict “is a serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one.” I would also add that conflict is not always combative and does not have to be seen as such a negative. Conflict is a natural part of life. It arises when people have different perspectives, opinions, and desires. Avoiding conflict may seem like an easy way out, but it can lead to larger problems in the long run. If conflicts are not addressed, they can fester and eventually explode, causing significant harm to relationships and organizations.

After spending years avoiding conflict it may seem hard to stop now. I want you to think about how much better your relationships, and partnerships could be if you had the hard conversation. I know it seems easier to let it ride but letting it ride only dishonors you. Besides people will not change if they do not recognize there is an issue. So how do we stop avoiding conflict?

Acknowledge the issue

Ignoring the issue will only make it worse. Say or write whatever it is that upset you. You cannot address what you will not acknowledge. For your own sake and before you have the conversation with the other party recognize your feelings and emotions, and try to understand the other person's perspective.

Communicate effectively

Effective communication is crucial in resolving conflicts. Speak clearly and respectfully, and listen to the other person's point of view. Avoid interrupting or dismissing their opinion. Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements, to help prevent the conversation from becoming confrontational. For example, instead of saying, "You're wrong," say "I disagree, and here's why."

Find common ground

Identify areas of agreement and build on those. This can help to establish a foundation of trust and understanding. Focus on the shared goals or objectives, and work together to find a mutually beneficial solution.

Seek mediation

If the conflict seems too difficult to resolve on your own, seek the help of a mediator. Mediation is a process where a neutral third party helps facilitate the conversation and find a solution that both parties can agree on. This can be particularly useful in situations where emotions are running high, and communication has broken down.

Learn to compromise

Compromise is an essential part of conflict resolution. It involves finding a solution that meets the needs of both parties to some extent. It may require some give and take, but the result is a win-win situation for everyone involved.

Practice conflict resolution skills

Conflict resolution skills can be learned and practiced. Attend workshops or seminars on conflict resolution, read books on the subject, or take an online course. The more you practice, the more comfortable you will be with handling conflicts.

I understand how just ignoring the issue feels like the easier option but over time this erodes trust and builds resentment which ultimately rots away at the relationship as a whole. I always tell my clients not to trade short-term comfort for long-term discomfort. You will wake up one day so angry and not even understand why. That anger is not healthy for you or the person you are in a relationship with but will be the result of avoiding conflict.

What to Do if Your Therapist Offends You

We are all so different. What is ok in my house may not be in yours. My children are allowed to say no and I remember this was the holy grail of what not to do when I was growing. My point is we are all different and our threshhold for offense and disrespect is different. 

Times are changing and I think people are changing as quickly as they can but they will mess up. Therapist are people and while we have been trained on empathetic listening we were not given a linguistic course. Therapist have blindspots as well and they may come up in your session.

There may be a time when your therapist upsets you with their mannerisms word choice or even office decor. What should you do? I think there is external work and internal work to be done. 

Externally I think talk to the therapist about it. This is a teachable moment for the both of you. You being able to speak up for yourself and explain why you are feeling this way is helpful and it also shows the therapist their blind spot.  Growth for everybody. 

Internally challenge yourself to consider what you are actually upset about. Why did their use of this word (racial slurs and misgendering pronouns NOT included) offend you and was it intentional. What about the earrings made you upset? What about their website language and pictures triggered this response in you. Is it you? Does it remind you of something or someone else? One of the four agreements is to never take anything personal is this an instance where you can practice this?

There will be times where there is no compromise or understanding and in that case absolutely get another therapist. So much of your success is dependent on the theraputic relationship and if you believe it is tarnished beyond repair seek help elsewhere. ?I believe speaking up presents an opportunity for growth for the both of you even if you get a new therapist. You will have the opportunity to use your voice in a safe environment and the therapist will also have an opportunity to grow because trust me we are learning in these sessions as well. 

How do we learn to communicate if we are just running away? How does a person learn their language is offensive if in their home it is acceptable? Nope it is not your place to educate anyone but what if you took a minute to stand up for yourself? Would you feel better?