Boundaries are such a huge word right now and for good reason. The world has been literally on fire and the last thing we need is the people we have allowed in our lives to misuse us or make us feel bad. So what are boundaries? They are limits and rules we put in place for ourselves in relationships. Easy right? Not really.
While we may know exactly how we want to be treated, and what makes us feel safe other people do not. It is up to us to let people know how we want to be treated and what being in relationship with us looks like. In other words, we have to set our own boundaries.
Setting our boundaries isn’t as easy as putting up a fence or a sign, although I really wish it was. It actually requires us to have uncomfortable conversations and oftentimes leads to stress. The thing is boundaries are necessary and I tell my clients mandatory. How can you be your best self with no rules or limits for others? Boundaries are actually freeing because now we are all on the same page.
As with most things, while boundaries are great there is a downside. The people you need to set boundaries with are often not accepting of the boundaries. They do not want to be told no. How the relationship is set up now is benefitting them. They want the relationship (while strained on your end) to continue as it has been. So as you embark on your journey to putting limits in place here are YYYY things to remember while you navigate the dark side of boundaries.
You are responsible for yourself. Teach people how to treat you. What you allow and the dysfunction you find yourself in is a result of you allowing it- This does not include children, or situations of abuse when using your power will literally get you attacked or killed.
Remember why you set the boundary. Often people will try to play on your emotions and get you to give in. The reason why you are saying no does not change. If it was not a problem you would not have considered the boundary.
Consider how every yes you give someone else is a no for you. From a time perspective whenever you do anything for someone that is less time you have for you. Even if it is not that big of an inconvenience. So how many times do you want to say no to you?
Be prepared and make peace relationships changing even if it does not look how you thought it would. In the same way, you are able to set a boundary others get to decide if they will adhere to it or not. This may change the relationship in a way you had not planned for.
Look at it as an opportunity for growth on both ends. You will practice your assertive communication skills, and they will learn to problem-solve or better plan.
People will adapt. I know it may not seem like it but people will find a way to meet their own needs.
Healthy boundaries cannot always be easy to set, but they are crucial. So keep in mind you do not have to be a savior and no is a complete sentence.
